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Longform Stories

Trump Still Sleeping In MSG Seat

1d ago·1 min read·19 words

I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake

1d ago·1 min read·85 words

Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship

1d ago·1 min read·84 words

NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees

2d ago·1 min read·31 words

Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved

2d ago·1 min read·79 words

FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk

2d ago·1 min read·79 words

Mystery Men Emerge From NYC Manholes

4d ago·1 min read·58 words

Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In ‘The Odyssey’

5d ago·1 min read·85 words

Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir

5d ago·1 min read·77 words

Diana Yanko

5d ago·1 min read·38 words

What Are We Donating To Goodwill?

5d ago·1 min read·19 words

Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For 90th Birthday

5d ago·1 min read·58 words

Mom Disappointed Kids Not Coming Home For National Donut Day

5d ago·1 min read·27 words

Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies

5d ago·1 min read·84 words

Phoebe Bridgers Concertgoer Dips Into Bathroom To Snort Line Of Zoloft

6d ago·1 min read·29 words

Trump Orders Advanced Federal Review Of Frontier AI Models

6d ago·1 min read·62 words

Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work

6d ago·1 min read·85 words

Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith

6d ago·1 min read·34 words

Kash Patel’s Eyes Fall Out

6d ago·1 min read·17 words

College Professor  Pretty Sure   Student Using    AI To Refuse Advances

6d ago·1 min read·84 words

FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job

6d ago·1 min read·84 words

Tom Holland Wakes Up From Terrible Nightmare Where Jenners Almost Got Him

6d ago·1 min read·87 words

White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old

Jun 3·1 min read·85 words

‘Victens Wemponyaga’ Begins Promising Kendrick Perkins Sentence

Jun 3·1 min read·21 words

PETA Billboard Falsely Assumes Man Wouldn’t Eat His Cat

Jun 3·1 min read·82 words

Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam

Jun 3·1 min read·49 words

Heaven’s Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence

Jun 3·1 min read·88 words

Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular

Jun 3·1 min read·84 words

Meta Launches Instagram Plus

Jun 3·1 min read·49 words

Ron Green

Jun 3·1 min read·29 words

Serena Williams Returns To Tennis

Jun 2·1 min read·52 words

Recycillogical

Jun 2·1 min read·9 words

Report: Music’s Power To Unite, Heal Down 74%

Jun 2·1 min read·80 words

Greta Sampson and Arnold White

Jun 2·1 min read·44 words

Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening

Jun 2·1 min read·81 words

I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher

Jun 2·1 min read·101 words

Trump Launches $88 Billion Fund For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Rejected By Woman

Jun 2·1 min read·91 words

Kash Patel Under Fire For Using FBI Jet To Blow-Dry Hair

Jun 2·1 min read·86 words

‘Fuck It, A Gig’s A Gig,’ Says Bruce Springsteen, Agreeing To Headline Freedom 250 Concert

Jun 1·1 min read·93 words

‘Euphoria’ Delivers Happy Ending Where Fans Never Have To Watch ‘Euphoria’ Again

Jun 1·1 min read·87 words

Graham Platner: ‘I Didn’t Know Extramarital Sexting Was A Symbol For Cheating’

Jun 1·1 min read·31 words

Tearful Trump Claims He Was Sex-Trafficked By Epstein

Jun 1·1 min read·79 words

Heartbreaking Podcast Studio Included

Jun 1·1 min read·51 words

CEOs Lose Confidence In Economy

Jun 1·1 min read·47 words

Everything We Know About ‘The Odyssey’ So Far

Jun 1·1 min read·79 words

Pros And Cons Of Gentrification

Jun 1·1 min read·73 words

ATM Looks Too Shitty To Trust

Jun 1·1 min read·19 words

Jill Biden Believed Husband Was Having Stroke During Presidential Debate

May 30·1 min read·78 words

New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements

May 29·1 min read·79 words

Pope Releases Encyclical On Perils Of Disney’s ‘Star Wars’ Strategy

May 29·1 min read·83 words

Top Songs May 2026

May 29·1 min read·25 words

Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg’s Memories

May 29·1 min read·87 words

Trump Executive Order Kickstarts Deep Sea Mining Rush

May 29·1 min read·63 words

Europeans Announce There Nothing Anyone Can Do To Make Them Stop Loving Michael Jackson

May 29·1 min read·91 words

Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking

May 29·1 min read·25 words

Artist Profile: Kacey Musgraves

May 29·1 min read·71 words

South Korean Starbucks Apologizes For Ad That Evoked Massacre

May 28·1 min read·70 words

Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community

May 28·1 min read·91 words

DOJ Launches Criminal Investigation Into All Women

May 28·1 min read·21 words

Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4

May 28·1 min read·89 words

Secret Service Tackles Blood Clot That Jumped White House Fence

May 28·1 min read·27 words

What To Know About Pope Leo’s Encyclical On AI

May 28·1 min read·82 words

Marshawn Lynch Regrets Turning Down Chili’s Ad For ‘Euphoria’

May 28·1 min read·81 words

Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model

May 28·1 min read·85 words

Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids

May 27·1 min read·55 words

Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity

May 27·1 min read·83 words

Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine

May 27·1 min read·95 words

Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia

May 27·1 min read·84 words

Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine

May 26·1 min read·85 words

‘The Mandalorian And Grogu’ Slammed By Fans As Third-Best ‘Star Wars’ Film

May 26·1 min read·31 words

Pete Hegseth Shaking With Rage After Imagining Plus-Sized Astronaut

May 26·1 min read·81 words

H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event

May 26·1 min read·23 words

Player Profile: Jannik Sinner

May 26·1 min read·71 words

All About That Lace

May 26·1 min read·15 words

Harvard Caps Number Of A Grades

May 26·1 min read·46 words

Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup

May 26·1 min read·17 words

Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody

May 25·1 min read·85 words

Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It

May 25·1 min read·29 words

Democrats Release 2024 Election Autopsy

May 23·1 min read·58 words

Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester

May 22·1 min read·85 words

Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat

May 22·1 min read·29 words

Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns

May 22·1 min read·75 words

Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg

May 22·1 min read·85 words

RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack

May 22·1 min read·79 words

Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice

May 22·1 min read·89 words

MLB Attempts To Reduce Human Error With New Electronic Bat Boys

May 22·1 min read·85 words

Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9

May 22·1 min read·23 words

Questions Grow Over Mystery Of Missing Legislative Branch

May 22·1 min read·23 words

Mom Mails Son Jar She Needs Opened

May 22·1 min read·21 words

U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President

May 21·1 min read·62 words

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Trying To Draw Foul While Shooting Free Throw

May 21·1 min read·27 words

Student Council Treasurer’s Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles

May 21·1 min read·87 words

OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child

May 21·1 min read·31 words

Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’ Spinoff Shoot

May 21·1 min read·86 words

The Iran War By The Numbers

May 21·1 min read·75 words

Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming

May 21·1 min read·87 words

Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder

May 20·1 min read·83 words

Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort

May 20·1 min read·81 words

Bobby Hanlon

May 20·1 min read·34 words

Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner

May 20·1 min read·25 words

Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits

May 20·1 min read·87 words

Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch ‘Mortal Kombat II’

May 19·1 min read·81 words

Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works

May 19·1 min read·91 words

NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars

May 19·1 min read·85 words

Calves and Have-Nots

May 19·1 min read·13 words

Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo

May 19·1 min read·19 words

BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol

May 19·1 min read·84 words

Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair

May 18·1 min read·91 words

Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have

May 18·1 min read·75 words

Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup

May 18·1 min read·85 words

JD Vance Disavows Trump’s Handling Of Iran War As Brilliant Strategy By An Impeccable Genius

May 18·1 min read·37 words

Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended

May 18·1 min read·89 words

Timeline Of China–Taiwan Relations

May 18·1 min read·71 words

Kash Patel Goes Snorkeling At Pearl Harbor Memorial

May 18·1 min read·69 words

Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich

May 18·1 min read·81 words

Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns

May 16·1 min read·59 words

Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke

May 16·1 min read·23 words

Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It

May 15·1 min read·89 words

Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry

May 15·1 min read·49 words

Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed

May 15·1 min read·89 words

Aaron Petrov

May 15·1 min read·24 words

What’s Our Health Insurance Denying?

May 15·1 min read·17 words

Tips For Supporting Public Media

May 15·1 min read·73 words

Trump: Americans’ Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations

May 14·1 min read·72 words

Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl

May 14·1 min read·29 words

What To Know About ‘Off Campus’

May 14·1 min read·75 words

Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell

May 14·1 min read·32 words

Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less

May 14·1 min read·79 words

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JD Vance

May 14·1 min read·77 words

Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online

May 14·1 min read·79 words

‘Sports Illustrated’ Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition

May 13·1 min read·8 words

Zzzzzzz

May 13·1 min read·1 words

U.S. Revokes Passports Of Parents Who Owe Child Support

May 13·1 min read·9 words

Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home

May 13·1 min read·7 words

CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds

May 13·1 min read·9 words

Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off

May 13·1 min read·7 words

Stagehand Rushes Out To Bring Bruno Mars Different Pelvis For Slow Song

May 13·1 min read·12 words

Susan Westbrook

May 13·1 min read·2 words

Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now

May 12·1 min read·12 words

Ben Landau and William Roth

May 12·1 min read·5 words

Just When I Thought The World Couldn’t Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me Go To A Play

May 12·1 min read·18 words

Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation

May 12·1 min read·7 words

Cannes Film Festival Attendee Eating Nachos Out Of Plastic Beret

May 12·1 min read·10 words

Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S.

May 12·1 min read·14 words

‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly

May 12·1 min read·8 words

Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool’s Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry

May 11·1 min read·12 words

Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People

May 11·1 min read·11 words

What To Know About Hantavirus

May 11·1 min read·5 words

Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour Back To 2017

May 11·1 min read·14 words

Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston

May 11·1 min read·10 words

Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano

May 11·1 min read·8 words

Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game

May 11·1 min read·6 words

Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors

May 11·1 min read·7 words

Karoline Leavitt Announces Birth Of Child

May 11·1 min read·6 words

Your Doppelgänger’s House

May 11·1 min read·3 words

WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned

May 9·1 min read·7 words

Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released

May 8·1 min read·5 words

Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause

May 8·1 min read·10 words

Taylor Swift Fires Fixer Who Forgot To Kill Justin Baldoni

May 8·1 min read·10 words

Yankees Appearance Policy Amended To Allow Extreme Body Modification

May 8·1 min read·9 words

God Discontinues The Pebble

May 8·1 min read·4 words

Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture

May 8·1 min read·5 words

Teresa Cox

May 8·1 min read·2 words

Study: City Birds More Afraid Of Women Than Men

May 8·1 min read·9 words

Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath

May 8·1 min read·12 words

Study Finds Cell Phone Bans Don’t Help Grades

May 7·1 min read·8 words

Artist Profile: Noah Kahan

May 7·1 min read·4 words

Harry Styles Hits It Off With Zoë Kravitz’s Mom A Little Too Well

May 7·1 min read·13 words

What Are We Doing After Graduation?

May 7·1 min read·6 words

‘Garfield’ Director Begs Chris Pratt To Stop Ad-Libbing Bible Verses

May 7·1 min read·10 words

Delaney Airhart and Jack Trusler

May 7·1 min read·5 words

Trump Shares Recipe For Famous ‘Better Than Pedophilia’ Cake

May 7·1 min read·9 words

Customer Waits Until Barista Watching To Disarm Gunman

May 7·1 min read·8 words

GameStop Offers $56 Billion To Buy eBay

May 6·1 min read·7 words

ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center

May 6·1 min read·10 words

Derek Sanders

May 6·1 min read·2 words

Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money

May 6·1 min read·7 words

Hibernation-Ready

May 6·1 min read·1 words

Giving Up Too Much Work

May 6·1 min read·5 words

Middle Schoolers Prevent Bus Crash After Driver Blacks Out

May 5·1 min read·9 words

Terrified Adolis García Wondering If Anyone Else Can See Phillie Phanatic

May 5·1 min read·11 words

There Grows The Neighborhood

May 5·1 min read·4 words

Capitol Tour Guide Keeps Pointing Out Hidden Spots With Uninterrupted Sight Lines

May 5·1 min read·12 words

Lucy Hastings and Sebastián González

May 5·1 min read·5 words

Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made

May 5·1 min read·13 words

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

May 5·1 min read·8 words

College Vs. Trade School

May 5·1 min read·4 words

Banksy Claims Credit For Latest ‘The Lockhorns’ Comic

May 5·1 min read·8 words

Met Gala Ends Abruptly After Anna Wintour’s Parents Get Home Early

May 5·1 min read·11 words

Spirit Airlines Resumes Business After CEO Finds Nickel On Ground

May 4·1 min read·10 words

Doctors Confirm Rudy Giuliani In Liquid But Stable Condition

May 4·1 min read·9 words

City Renames Street To Honor Charlie Kirk

May 4·1 min read·7 words

Foreign Exchange Student Doesn’t Realize He’s Being Bullied

May 4·1 min read·8 words

It’s Not Like You’ll Have To Pay It Off

May 4·1 min read·9 words

Trump Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Snoopy

May 4·1 min read·6 words

Tips For Reducing Your Exposure to Microplastics

May 4·1 min read·7 words

RFK Jr. Sucks Measles Vaccine Out Of Infant

May 4·1 min read·8 words

Flyers Fans Not Sure  Whether Gritty  Supposed To Be Eating Live Bird

Apr 29·1 min read·12 words

Trump Boys Break Another Blender Attempting To Make Oil Out Of Charcoal

Apr 29·1 min read·12 words

Political Profile: Kash Patel

Apr 27·1 min read·4 words

Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough

Apr 22·1 min read·11 words

Disney Promises ‘Star Wars’ Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before

Apr 22·1 min read·18 words

Fractures Emerge Between GOP’s Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings

Apr 21·1 min read·8 words

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours

Apr 20·1 min read·6 words

Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger

Apr 17·1 min read·9 words

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto

Apr 13·1 min read·17 words

Rory McIlroy Struggling To Fit Big Check Into Mobile Deposit Photo

Apr 12·1 min read·11 words

CBS Announces Retirement Of Longtime Masters Commentators Captain Cooter And The Gooch

Apr 12·1 min read·12 words

Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile

Apr 10·1 min read·11 words

MLB Rookie Still Can’t Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free

Apr 10·1 min read·10 words

State Department Issues Travel Warning For Women Vacationing With Husbands

Apr 9·1 min read·10 words

Arby’s Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment

Apr 9·1 min read·6 words

Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees

Apr 9·1 min read·9 words

Downed U.S. Airman Rescued From Iran

Apr 7·1 min read·6 words

Critics Outraged By Flippant School Shooting Plotline In ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’

Apr 6·1 min read·13 words

Pam Bondi Fired As Attorney General

Apr 4·1 min read·6 words

Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To Reverse

Apr 3·1 min read·15 words

Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket In Atlanta

Apr 2·1 min read·11 words

Study: 97% Of All Sounds Infuriating

Apr 1·1 min read·6 words

Report: Decision Not To Call Film ‘The Baby Yoda Movie’ To Cost Disney $900 Million

Apr 1·1 min read·15 words

Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women’s Events

Mar 28·1 min read·7 words

NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base

Mar 27·1 min read·7 words

RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’

Mar 27·1 min read·11 words

Norris God

Mar 27·1 min read·2 words

Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East

Mar 27·1 min read·11 words

Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks

Mar 27·1 min read·14 words

How ICE Is Assisting TSA

Mar 27·1 min read·5 words

Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine

Mar 27·1 min read·12 words

New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid Formation With Underage Girls

Mar 27·1 min read·13 words

Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart

Mar 27·1 min read·12 words

Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People’s Weights

Mar 27·1 min read·11 words

Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown

Mar 26·1 min read·8 words

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul

Mar 26·1 min read·8 words

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

Mar 25·1 min read·8 words

Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass

Mar 25·1 min read·10 words

42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As ‘Preggerz’

Mar 25·1 min read·7 words

Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job

Mar 25·1 min read·16 words

White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn

Mar 25·1 min read·11 words

ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue

Mar 24·1 min read·10 words

Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage

Mar 24·1 min read·10 words

Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel

Mar 24·1 min read·11 words

Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs

Mar 24·1 min read·8 words

Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle

Mar 24·1 min read·5 words

Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago

Mar 20·1 min read·10 words

Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin

Mar 20·1 min read·5 words

ABC Cancels Mormonism

Mar 20·1 min read·3 words

American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er Up

Mar 20·1 min read·12 words

Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground

Mar 20·1 min read·9 words

Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman

Mar 19·1 min read·10 words

DHS: ICE Can Enter Homes Without Pants

Mar 19·1 min read·7 words

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sam Altman

Mar 18·1 min read·7 words

Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores

Mar 17·1 min read·5 words

Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI

Mar 17·1 min read·10 words

MrBeast Offers $50,000 To Anyone Who Can Survive Seeing What Lies Beneath His Mask

Mar 16·1 min read·14 words

How To Survive An Avalanche

Mar 16·1 min read·5 words

Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being Transgender

Mar 16·1 min read·7 words

Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst

Mar 16·1 min read·15 words

‘Good Oscars, Good Oscars,’ Repeat Nominees In Forced Post-Ceremony Handshake Line

Mar 16·1 min read·11 words

Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron

Mar 16·1 min read·11 words

Timothée Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award

Mar 15·1 min read·11 words

Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years

Mar 13·1 min read·9 words

Pete Hegseth Questions What Girls Were Doing In School To Begin With

Mar 13·1 min read·12 words

U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week

Mar 13·1 min read·10 words

Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide

Mar 13·1 min read·5 words

Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, ‘Fuck! I’m Dying!’

Mar 13·1 min read·9 words

The Onion’s 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide

Mar 13·1 min read·7 words

Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perry’s

Mar 13·1 min read·13 words

Political Profile: James Talarico

Mar 13·1 min read·4 words

Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal ‘All Good’ To Buddies After Falling Off Roof

Mar 13·1 min read·15 words

‘Do It!’ Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft

Mar 13·1 min read·12 words

Trump, Mitch McConnell Clash In Oval Office Over Where They Are

Mar 12·1 min read·11 words

Lakers Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash

Mar 12·1 min read·12 words

Kate Hudson Under Fire For Doing Wisconsinface In ‘Song Sung Blue’

Mar 12·1 min read·11 words

Trump Defends Wearing Fruit Hat, Samba Dancing During Dignified Transfer

Mar 12·1 min read·10 words

Harry Styles Breaks Down His New Album Track By Track

Mar 12·1 min read·10 words

Exhausted Nation Lacks Strength To Form Opinion On Donald Glover Being Voice Of Yoshi

Mar 12·1 min read·14 words

Fiery Explosion Erupts In L.A. Canyon After Britney Spears Twirls Over Guardrail

Mar 12·1 min read·12 words

RFK Jr. Urges Americans To Grow Lots Of Pubes To Keep Bugs From Crawling In Cockhole

Mar 12·1 min read·16 words

‘NY Times’ Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine What’s Wrong With Them

Mar 12·1 min read·11 words

‘Deadwood—Now That’s A Great Show,’ Says Dad After 17-Minute Lapse In Conversation

Mar 12·1 min read·12 words

AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self

Mar 11·1 min read·8 words

Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends

Mar 11·1 min read·11 words

‘Which Way Is Iran?’ Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway

Mar 11·1 min read·13 words

JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn’t Love About Baby Name ‘Rohit’

Mar 11·1 min read·15 words

Tommy’s Parents Are Out Of Town, Let’s Party

Mar 11·1 min read·8 words

Jason Schaible and Erica Finch

Mar 11·1 min read·5 words

United Airlines To Kick Off Passengers Who Refuse To Use Headphones

Mar 9·1 min read·11 words

Timothée Chalamet Under Fire For Dismissive Comments About Traditional Japanese Puppet Theater Form ‘Bunraku’

Mar 9·1 min read·14 words

What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits

Mar 9·1 min read·10 words

It Wasn’t Called ‘The 2008 RV Market Crash,’ Was It?

Mar 9·1 min read·10 words

IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks

Mar 9·1 min read·14 words

Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time

Mar 9·1 min read·10 words

Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary

Mar 6·1 min read·6 words

Kristi Noem Reassigned To Scarecrow Role At USDA

Mar 6·1 min read·8 words

Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’

Mar 6·1 min read·18 words

Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead

Mar 6·1 min read·12 words

DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case

Mar 6·1 min read·7 words

Tips For Researching Local Candidates

Mar 6·1 min read·5 words

Prosecutors Unable To Attend Live Nation Trial After Scalpers Buy Every Ticket

Mar 6·1 min read·12 words

Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrew’s Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores

Mar 6·1 min read·14 words

Trump Defends Addition Of   Ballroom To    Air Force One

Mar 6·1 min read·9 words

Pat Yelsh and Jordan Menz

Mar 6·1 min read·5 words

EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier

Mar 6·1 min read·7 words

Trump’s War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact

Mar 5·1 min read·7 words

Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike

Mar 3·1 min read·5 words

Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’

Mar 3·1 min read·15 words

Price Of Teeth Rises

Mar 2·1 min read·4 words

Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral

Mar 2·1 min read·7 words

Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He’ll Bomb Iran

Mar 2·1 min read·9 words

Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna

Mar 2·1 min read·8 words

Data Centers By The Numbers

Mar 2·1 min read·5 words

NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball

Mar 2·1 min read·8 words

Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course?

Mar 2·1 min read·15 words

Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter

Mar 2·1 min read·11 words

15 Years Of Saving Just For Your Dad To Call It A Shack

Mar 2·1 min read·13 words

Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop

Mar 2·1 min read·10 words

Shaq Warns Young Players Not To Do Movie About Genie

Mar 2·1 min read·10 words

Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors

Feb 26·1 min read·10 words

Trump Invites Caucasian Half Of Alysa Liu To Visit White House

Feb 23·1 min read·11 words

NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans

Feb 23·1 min read·12 words

RFK Jr. Claims Keto Diet Cures Schizophrenia

Feb 19·1 min read·7 words

Study Finds Intermittent Fasting No More Effective Than Conventional Eating Disorder

Feb 19·1 min read·11 words

Nation’s Friends From College Announce They Need Someone To Lean On During Divorce

Feb 19·1 min read·13 words

Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact

Feb 19·1 min read·4 words

Pepper-wrongi

Feb 19·1 min read·1 words

Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room

Feb 19·1 min read·14 words

Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next Food

Feb 19·1 min read·14 words

All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots

Feb 18·1 min read·15 words

Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field

Feb 14·1 min read·10 words

Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls

Feb 13·1 min read·12 words

‘Yo! Taylor! Have You Seen This Shit?’ Yells Travis Kelce, Watching Lena Dunham Sex Scenes For First Time

Feb 13·1 min read·18 words

Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple ‘I’m Sorry’ Could Make This All Go Away

Feb 9·1 min read·14 words

All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered

Feb 9·1 min read·8 words

Alan Andrews

Feb 9·1 min read·2 words

Study Finds 98% Recidivism Rate Among Americans Who Burn Mouths On Hot Food

Feb 9·1 min read·13 words

Non-Biathlon Skier Would Also Like Gun

Feb 9·1 min read·6 words

Political Profile: Tom Homan

Feb 9·1 min read·4 words

Biden Grateful He’s Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country

Feb 9·1 min read·12 words

Drunken Seahawks Fans Climbing Space Needle

Feb 9·1 min read·6 words

Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (‘¡Dios Mío!’ Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans)

Feb 9·1 min read·20 words

Turning Point USA Halftime Show Opens With Snake-Handling Preacher

Feb 9·1 min read·9 words

Stefon Diggs Spotted Partying On Yacht In Middle Of Second Quarter

Feb 9·1 min read·11 words

Nation Furious After Realizing Super Bowl Ad For Kindness

Feb 8·1 min read·9 words

Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth

Feb 8·1 min read·13 words

Guy At Super Bowl Party Brought Football For Some Reason

Feb 8·1 min read·10 words

Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player

Feb 8·1 min read·10 words

Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat

Feb 8·1 min read·10 words

Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara

Feb 6·1 min read·11 words

Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers

Feb 6·1 min read·10 words

TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill

Feb 6·1 min read·6 words

Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist

Feb 6·1 min read·6 words

Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women

Feb 6·1 min read·10 words

Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him

Feb 6·1 min read·9 words

Community Leather Coat Drive Helps Bad Boys In Need

Feb 6·1 min read·9 words

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Bad Bunny

Feb 6·1 min read·7 words

South Carolina Law Requires Ten Commandments In All School Lunches

Feb 6·1 min read·10 words

Alcoholic Not Himself When Sober

Feb 6·1 min read·5 words

‘Washington Post’ Lays Off One Third Of Newsroom

Feb 5·1 min read·8 words

Trump Appoints Lara Trump To Be Next Dilbert

Feb 5·1 min read·8 words

Trove Of Emails About Pedophilia Reignites Nation’s Love Of Reading

Feb 5·1 min read·10 words

Trump Disappointed No One Killed In Ballroom Construction Process Yet

Feb 5·1 min read·10 words

New Social Network Exclusively For AI Bots

Feb 5·1 min read·7 words

AI Chatbot That Only Responds ‘Huh’ Valued At $200 Billion

Feb 5·1 min read·10 words

‘It’s My Hand’: Muppets Puppeteer On How He Brings Kermit To Life

Feb 5·1 min read·12 words

3-Year-Old Willing To Die For Bluey

Feb 5·1 min read·6 words

Kylie Jenner Photographed Wearing Amulet Containing Imprisoned Timothée Chalamet

Feb 5·1 min read·9 words

Margo McQueen

Feb 5·1 min read·2 words

China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama

Feb 4·1 min read·9 words

Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult

Feb 4·1 min read·7 words

‘Lord Of The Rings’ Reader Can’t Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck

Feb 4·1 min read·16 words

Inhuman Resources

Feb 4·1 min read·2 words

U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out

Feb 4·1 min read·13 words

Pet Iguana Assumed He’d Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now

Feb 4·1 min read·11 words

Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming Young

Feb 4·1 min read·11 words

RFK Jr. Questions Efficacy Of Skin

Feb 4·1 min read·6 words

What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair

Feb 4·1 min read·13 words

Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably Pathetic

Feb 4·1 min read·6 words