McSweeney's Internet Tendency [Unofficial]

@mcsweeneys.net.web.brid.gy

Daily humor almost every day since 1998. 🌉 bridged from 🌐 https://mcsweeneys.net/: https://fed.brid.gy/web/mcsweeneys.net

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Longform Stories

Can You Avoid an Old High School Friend at the Bus Stop? A Decision Tree

13h ago·3 min read·491 words

An Interview with Dave Eggers About His New Novel, Contrapposto

3d ago·6 min read·1181 words

My Typical Day According to My Thirteen-Year-Old

4d ago·4 min read·691 words

Reviews of New Food: Fenway Park’s Lobstah Poutine

4d ago·4 min read·752 words

I’ll Take This Costco Sample, but Only So I Can Make an Informed Purchasing Decision

4d ago·4 min read·747 words

Thirteen Ways of Looking at AI

5d ago·2 min read·258 words

Nature Cam

5d ago·1 min read·34 words

Epidurals, for Him

5d ago·4 min read·632 words

Easier Way to Win a Million Dollars: Going on Survivor or Storming the Capitol?

6d ago·1 min read·122 words

Corruption Has Gotten Way Too Lazy

6d ago·4 min read·626 words

Oh No, I Left the US Because of Trump and Moved to the Part of Europe Where All Live Performances Are Cirque du Soleil Knockoffs

May 19·4 min read·631 words

What I Imagine William Shakespeare Thought Every Time He Rewrote the Same Scene Over and Over Again

May 19·3 min read·453 words

McSweeney’s Books: An Excerpt from Our New Book, Documentary Now!

May 19·4 min read·606 words

First They Came for the Pieds-à-Terre…

May 18·3 min read·577 words

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: April 2026: Atrocities 867-930

May 18·17 min read·3229 words

At Long Last, I Have Maxximized My Looks

May 15·5 min read·877 words

I Cannot Throw Away USB Cables, and It Is Becoming a Problem

May 14·3 min read·526 words

Busy Beavers

May 14·1 min read·34 words

The Secret Meanings of Pop Stars’ Names

May 14·1 min read·195 words

Honey, I’m Sorry I Messed Up Our Moment on the Kiss Cam

May 13·1 min read·12 words

Reviews of New Food: Exploremores Girl Scout Cookie

May 13·1 min read·8 words

You Will Buy from Quince, and You Will Fucking Like It

May 12·1 min read·11 words

An Excerpt from Maeve Dunigan’s New Book, Read This to Look Cool

May 12·1 min read·12 words

Your Cholesterol Looks Good, but Also Quite Bad

May 12·1 min read·8 words

We’re Diversifying the University by Hiring More Crackpots

May 11·1 min read·8 words

A Review of Director Ka$h Patel’s FBI Bourbon

May 11·1 min read·8 words

After the Baby, I Didn’t Just Bounce Back—I Catapulted

May 8·1 min read·9 words

Math Problems for Moms

May 8·1 min read·4 words

Excerpts from Chief Justice John Roberts’ High School English Essays

May 7·1 min read·10 words

Butch Cards

May 7·1 min read·2 words

The Sixteen Steps to Owning an Eight-and-a-Half-Inch Skirt

May 7·1 min read·8 words

You Know I’m a Good Driver Because I Ace the Tests the DMV Keeps Making Me Take

May 6·1 min read·17 words

Lines, Ranked

May 6·1 min read·2 words

You Can Complete Our Online Degree Program in the Time It Would Take You to Read This Article

May 5·1 min read·18 words

An Excerpt from Elizabeth Preston’s The Creatures’ Guide to Caring

May 5·1 min read·10 words

A Kindergarten Teacher Attempts to Explain Cryptocurrency, and Accidentally Creates a New Financial System

May 5·1 min read·14 words

“They Would Never Use the Death Star on Us”: Alderaan Residents Reflect on Their Support for the Empire as a Large Imperial Installation Enters the System

May 4·1 min read·26 words

Book of Revelations, Chapter 6 (Revised 2026)

May 1·1 min read·7 words

Miranda Priestly Roasts My Nirvana T-Shirt

May 1·1 min read·6 words

We Believe That Combating Racism Is the Real Racism

Apr 30·1 min read·9 words

Aquaphobia

Apr 30·1 min read·1 words

Just Because I Am the Oracle of Delphi Doesn’t Mean I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Use Prediction Markets

Apr 30·1 min read·18 words

Oil Prices Are Sky High, but At Least We’re Not Driving Energy Efficient Cars

Apr 29·1 min read·14 words

I Know Vorgarg the Kazoo-Playing Robot Tried to Kill Us All, but That’s Not Going to Stop Me from Going to His Concert

Apr 29·1 min read·23 words

This Divorce

Apr 29·1 min read·2 words

Why Do People Keep Trying to Assassinate Caesar?

Apr 29·1 min read·8 words

AP English Students Aren’t Thirsting After Holden Caulfield Like They Used To

Apr 28·1 min read·12 words

Things I Said I Watched but Actually Just Saw the Meme

Apr 28·1 min read·11 words

Leaves of Grass (Allergy Edition)

Apr 27·1 min read·5 words

William Tecumseh Sherman Demands a Ballroom

Apr 27·1 min read·6 words

Here’s Exactly What You Should Say When You Call Your Elected Representatives

Apr 24·1 min read·12 words

Everything You Need to Plan the Perfect Aesthetic First Birthday Party for Your Sad, Beige Baby

Apr 24·1 min read·16 words

Fine. This is What I Was Really Like in the ’90s

Apr 24·1 min read·11 words

Instead of Losing Democratic Elections, What If We Just Stopped Having Them Altogether?

Apr 23·1 min read·13 words

Little League Week One Power Rankings

Apr 23·1 min read·6 words

A Malady of Puns

Apr 23·1 min read·4 words

Why It’s Actually a Reassuring Sign that You’re About to Be Eaten by Wolves, Ethan

Apr 23·1 min read·15 words

Our Military Is SICK AF, Bro

Apr 22·1 min read·6 words

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: March 2026: Atrocities 805-866

Apr 22·1 min read·19 words

You Don’t Really Think Every Member of Trump’s Cabinet Gets Off on Being Unaccountable, Do You?

Apr 21·1 min read·16 words

How to Baby-Proof Your Home

Apr 21·1 min read·5 words

Frequently Asked Questions About Our Innovative New EdTech Collaboration

Apr 20·1 min read·9 words

New and Exciting Anxieties Gifted to Me by My Three-Year-Old

Apr 20·1 min read·10 words

In Our Glorious AI Future, There Will Be No Such Thing as Money (For You)

Apr 17·1 min read·15 words

A Death Doula’s Out-of-Office Auto-Reply Email

Apr 17·1 min read·6 words

I’d Love to Pass Through the Strait of Hormuz, but No Worries If Not

Apr 17·1 min read·14 words

Fisher-Price Is Pivoting to AI-Powered Autonomous Weapons Manufacturing

Apr 17·1 min read·8 words

As Much as I Appreciate the Trenchant Commentary on the American Healthcare System, I’m Here at The Pitt Because My Appendix Burst

Apr 16·1 min read·22 words

Hairballing

Apr 16·1 min read·1 words

Henry VIII’s Dating App Profiles

Apr 16·1 min read·5 words

Transcript from the Meeting Where They Invented the Mammogram Machine

Apr 15·1 min read·10 words

The Five Stages of Millennial Wedding Planning

Apr 15·1 min read·7 words

Vatican City is Overrun with Crime Thanks to Its Woke Pope

Apr 14·1 min read·11 words

A Childhood in Lebanon, in Spite of War

Apr 14·1 min read·8 words

Pregnancy Drinking Games

Apr 14·1 min read·3 words

If Every Congressman Facing Credible Rape Allegations Resigned, We’d Have No One Left to Govern the Country

Apr 14·1 min read·17 words

I Finally Got a Walking Pad to Store Under the Bed and Never Use

Apr 13·1 min read·14 words

We Have Achieved Our Goal of Making Everything Worse Than It Was Before

Apr 13·1 min read·13 words

Here at H&R Block, It’s Our Pleasure to Answer Your Questions About How We Funnel Your Tax Dollars Into the Gullet of the Great War Pig

Apr 10·1 min read·26 words

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Thomas McGuane

Apr 10·1 min read·9 words

America’s Op-ed Columnists Brainstorm Future Headlines About the Birth Rate

Apr 10·1 min read·10 words

Cover Letter for a Job I Don’t Want

Apr 9·1 min read·8 words

Treasure Collecting

Apr 9·1 min read·2 words

An Open Letter to My Eight-Year-Old Following His Harrowing Battle with Norovirus Early on a School Day

Apr 9·1 min read·17 words

Relax, We Can’t Invoke the Twenty-Fifth Amendment Every Time a President Threatens to Murder Millions of People

Apr 8·1 min read·17 words

Reviews of New Food: Hormbles Chormbles

Apr 8·1 min read·6 words

The Shocking Truth About This President That We’ve Been Sitting on for Months Is Now Available for Preorder

Apr 8·1 min read·18 words

President Nyarlathotep Is Simply Engaging in Classic “Mad Outer God” Negotiating Tactics

Apr 7·1 min read·12 words

An Excerpt from Johanna Gohmann and Emily Flake’s New Book All Toddlers Are Scorpios

Apr 7·1 min read·14 words

My Country vs. My Country

Apr 7·1 min read·5 words

Exist.Female

Apr 6·1 min read·1 words

What’s Happened to the Party of Lincoln?

Apr 6·1 min read·7 words

I Still Believe in the Inherent Goodness of Humankind, and the Literal Existence of the Easter Bunny

Apr 3·1 min read·17 words

Excerpts from The Believer: The USA Ultimate Masters Championships

Apr 3·1 min read·9 words

Jesus Died for Our Sin, Just One Sin, and It’s Yours, Harold

Apr 3·1 min read·12 words

I Came to Washington to Represent the People in My Walls

Apr 2·1 min read·11 words

The Dangers of Sculpting

Apr 2·1 min read·4 words

I am the Instagram Algorithm, Here to Explain Why I Am Showing You Photos of Connor Storrie Instead of Your Best Friend from College

Apr 2·1 min read·24 words

An Oral History of the US Government’s Attempts to Fake the 1969 Moon Landing

Apr 1·1 min read·14 words

Matzah’s Daily Affirmations

Apr 1·1 min read·3 words

I’m Your Therapist’s Therapist, and That Girl is a Fucking Mess

Mar 31·1 min read·11 words

Our Loyalty Program Is Now a Fealty Program

Mar 31·1 min read·8 words

Our AI Will Murder Your Employees, Pleasure Their Spouses, and Raise Their Children

Mar 30·1 min read·13 words

We’re Looking for a Unicorn

Mar 30·1 min read·5 words

I Have No Object Permanence, and I Vote

Mar 27·1 min read·8 words

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Amy Appelhans Gubser

Mar 27·1 min read·10 words

Introducing HelloFresh’s New Indian Mom Edition, Featuring Tupperware You Must Return Immediately

Mar 27·1 min read·12 words

This Generation Has It Easy; Their Emojis Are Just Handed to Them

Mar 26·1 min read·12 words

Swamp Dreams

Mar 26·1 min read·2 words

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: February 2026: Atrocities 731-779

Mar 26·1 min read·19 words

The Merlin Bird ID App Is Now the Merlin Fight ID App

Mar 25·1 min read·12 words

Theseus Files a Boat Insurance Claim

Mar 25·1 min read·6 words

Why Are You So Surprised That All the Office Chairs on Earth Have Simultaneously Achieved Sentience and Started Killing Everyone?

Mar 24·1 min read·20 words

A Letter to My Three-Year-Old Self

Mar 24·1 min read·6 words

Self-Defense Techniques for Jazz Musicians

Mar 24·1 min read·5 words

Teleportation Journeys of Other Trump Administration Officials

Mar 23·1 min read·7 words

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Lurking in the Google Doc to See if You’ve Left Me Comments Yet

Mar 23·1 min read·18 words

I’ve Never seen the Mormon Wives Show, but Apparently It’s Extremely Important, and We All Need to Be Paying Attention

Mar 23·1 min read·20 words

We’ve Officially Won the War We’re Currently and Indefinitely Fighting

Mar 20·1 min read·10 words

Excerpts from The Believer: A Microinterview with Roman Prokes

Mar 20·1 min read·9 words

Welcome to This Open House. Please, Do Not Ask Me About Its Vast Network of Tunnels

Mar 20·1 min read·16 words

The Odds of Me Being Mauled by a Bear This Weekend Keep Going Up on Kalshi

Mar 19·1 min read·16 words

Plantmaxxing

Mar 19·1 min read·1 words

The Party of Small Government Demands Twenty-Four-Hour Video Footage of Your Children

Mar 18·1 min read·12 words

An Excerpt from Annabelle Gurwitch’s New Memoir, The End of My Life Is Killing Me: The Unexpected Joys of a Cancer Slacker

Mar 18·1 min read·22 words

Literary References, According to Tech Bros

Mar 18·1 min read·6 words

The Script of Every American Movie Set in Ireland

Mar 17·1 min read·9 words

Is Your Child Suffering from Brain Rot or Quoting Finnegans Wake?

Mar 17·1 min read·11 words

A Brief Overview of What It Means to Be a “Viking” for Bostonians

Mar 17·1 min read·13 words

I Don’t Care That My Boyfriend Is a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach—I Love Him, and We’re Getting Married

Mar 16·1 min read·17 words

Classic Movie Quotes If Everyone Were MAHA-Pilled

Mar 16·1 min read·7 words

The Little Bunny from Goodnight Moon Accepts an Award

Mar 13·1 min read·9 words

Excerpts from The Believer: No One Gave It to You

Mar 13·1 min read·10 words

I Brought Your Child an Oversized Lollipop Because I Hate You

Mar 13·1 min read·11 words

To Keep Americans Safe, the Press Must Only Publish Hot Photos of Me

Mar 12·1 min read·13 words

Party Games for Fifty-Somethings

Mar 12·1 min read·4 words

A Couple Tries to Get a Mortgage Approval in an Equal Parts Plausible, Dystopian, and Not-So-Distant Future

Mar 12·1 min read·17 words

Despite This Terrible War, We Must Never Lose Sight of the Value of Each and Every Precious Shipping Container

Mar 11·1 min read·19 words

Next Season on David Ellison’s The Pitt

Mar 11·1 min read·7 words

The Woodland Dystopian Writers Guild

Mar 11·1 min read·5 words

A Message from Your University President on the Recent Hippopotamus Attacks

Mar 10·1 min read·11 words

Introducing: Free Time

Mar 10·1 min read·3 words

Iran Has Been an Imminent Threat to the U.S. for Forty-Seven Years

Mar 9·1 min read·12 words

What the Thousand-Year Blood Reign Means for Gas Prices

Mar 9·1 min read·9 words

Why I, Lucifer, Rejected a Deal for Donald Trump’s Soul

Mar 9·1 min read·10 words

To Get Hot, Break Your Jaw. Then Everything Else

Mar 6·1 min read·9 words

Excerpts from The Believer: Ask Carrie: Winter 2025

Mar 6·1 min read·8 words

I’m the Second-Born Bridgerton Son, and I Don’t See Race

Mar 6·1 min read·10 words

A.I. Checks in After Bombing Iran to See If You Still Think Its Bubble Is Bursting

Mar 6·1 min read·16 words

Social Media Post Template for Influencers Stranded by the War

Mar 5·1 min read·10 words

“Just Peachy,” and Other Fruity Feelings

Mar 5·1 min read·6 words

I Am Fighting Back Against the Trump Administration by Moving to Portugal

Mar 4·1 min read·12 words

Our Company Mourns a Beloved Employee, Whom We Must Replace Immediately

Mar 4·1 min read·11 words

Does Your Country Need Regime Change? A Quiz

Mar 3·1 min read·8 words

I’m Pepsi, and I’m Actually Okay

Mar 3·1 min read·6 words

The Solution to the Male Loneliness Epidemic Is for Men to Bust Science Myths with Each Other

Mar 2·1 min read·17 words

Congratulations to Me, a Kamala Harris Voter, Who Got Exactly What I Voted For

Mar 2·1 min read·14 words

Revisions for Your Hopelessly Optimistic Dystopian YA Novel

Feb 27·1 min read·8 words

Excerpts from The Believer: Sports Books I Have Read or Written

Feb 27·1 min read·11 words

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: January 2026: Atrocities 658-730

Feb 27·1 min read·19 words

I Am Dyeing My Hair Brown

Feb 26·1 min read·6 words

Open-Hearted in Minneapolis

Feb 26·1 min read·3 words

You Think New York is Bad? Try Living in Roku City

Feb 26·1 min read·11 words

My Fellow Americans, We Are Richer Than Ever Before. Well, You Aren’t, but We Are

Feb 25·1 min read·15 words

McSweeney’s Books: McSweeney’s and Broadway Video Present: Documentary Now! (Fourth Edition, Revised and Expanded)

Feb 25·1 min read·14 words

Maura Quint’s State of the Union Recap

Feb 25·1 min read·7 words

Being a Luddite Is Cool and All, but Have You Seen the Hilarious Tapestries These New Looms Are Making?

Feb 24·1 min read·19 words

New Protein Menus

Feb 24·1 min read·3 words

Introducing Our Lord and Savior, the College’s New Strategic Initiative

Feb 23·1 min read·10 words

The Most Likely Ways We Would Have Died in the Winter Olympics

Feb 23·1 min read·12 words

Upon Review, It Looks Like President Nyarlathotep’s Small Business Soul Harvest Is Technically Against the Rules

Feb 20·1 min read·16 words

Excerpts from The Believer: Island Time

Feb 20·1 min read·6 words

Is It a Red Flag? Wuthering Heights Edition

Feb 20·1 min read·8 words

I Am the “Kid” in Kid Rock’s Name and I Officially Quit

Feb 20·1 min read·12 words

Our Mission at the Environmental Protection Agency Is Simple: Destroy the Environment

Feb 19·1 min read·12 words

An Old West Duel Narrated by the Guy That Named the Ten-Gallon Hat

Feb 19·1 min read·13 words

I’m the L.A. Doll in John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Small Town,” and I Hate This Godforsaken Shithole

Feb 18·1 min read·16 words

Some Autistic Thoughts on Joy, and a Sneak Peek at My Debut Fiction

Feb 18·1 min read·13 words

Board Game Developer’s Notes During the First Playtest of Jumanji

Feb 18·1 min read·10 words

We Can Reform the Atrocity Machine

Feb 17·1 min read·6 words

Everything You Need to Remember Before the Final Season of Time Warriors

Feb 17·1 min read·12 words

I Work at Disney World’s Hall of Presidents, and You People Need to Stop Eyefucking Animatronic Franklin Pierce

Feb 16·1 min read·18 words

Welcome to Books, For Men™

Feb 13·1 min read·5 words

Excerpts from The Believer: The Worst Shot Ever Taken

Feb 13·1 min read·9 words

If You Would Rather Not Receive Our Presidents’ Day Sale Emails This Year, We Totally Get It

Feb 13·1 min read·17 words

Give Us Access to Your Ring Camera and Maybe We’ll Find Your Dog

Feb 12·1 min read·13 words

Will You Be My Situation-tine?

Feb 12·1 min read·5 words

Reviews of New Food: Trolli Gummi Pops

Feb 12·1 min read·7 words

The Next Innovation in Higher Education: Vibe-Teaching™

Feb 11·1 min read·7 words

Ask Mike Tyson: Can I Have This Food or Drink?

Feb 11·1 min read·10 words

The AI Prompt I Used to Write My Self-Published Memoirs

Feb 10·1 min read·10 words

Chronicles of a Catsitter: Ithaca is Gorges

Feb 10·1 min read·7 words

Airborne Thoughts of an Olympic Ski Jumper

Feb 10·1 min read·7 words

I’m Correlation—Here’s Why I Shot Causation at a Harvard Medical School Conference

Feb 9·1 min read·12 words

Why Is Everyone So Angry? This Is What We Voted for, Right?

Feb 9·1 min read·12 words

When I Invited All of You Over to Watch the “The Big Game,” I Assumed You Knew I Was Talking about Human Chess

Feb 6·1 min read·23 words

When I Invited All of You Over to Watch “The Big Game,” I Assumed You Knew I Was Talking about Human Chess

Feb 6·1 min read·22 words

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Mina Kimes

Feb 6·1 min read·9 words

In Order to Stop the Radical Democrats from Rigging the Election, We Will Be Rigging the Election

Feb 6·1 min read·17 words

FAQs for This Weekend’s Bad Bunny Concert Featuring Football

Feb 5·1 min read·9 words

I Am a Baby Staring at You from Between Two Airplane Seats, and I Know When You Are Going to Die

Feb 5·1 min read·21 words

Reviews of New Food: The 7-Eleven Japanese-Style Egg Salad Sandwich

Feb 5·1 min read·10 words