You Know I’m a Good Driver Because I Ace the Tests the DMV Keeps Making Me Take

“President Trump has claimed he ‘aced’ all three cognitive tests administered to him during his first and second presidencies. The commander-in-chief further claimed that no president has ever taken part in a similar exercise when he spoke on his mental acuity at the White House Monday.” — The Independent

I’m proud to say I’m an excellent driver. I know this because every few months, the Department of Motor Vehicles insists I take tests to prove I’m physically and cognitively healthy enough to keep my driver’s license.

In fact, no other driver in history has been asked to take as many fitness tests as I have. And I ace them all.

After driving into that organic honey stand at the farmer’s market, I received a sternly worded letter from the DMV demanding I take another proficiency exam. It’s actually not that easy, but for me it was easy because I have a good memory. Because I’m cognitively there. I had to remember five words. I can even do it now:

Person. Woman. Man. Squirrel. Stop sign.

The lady at the DMV was all like, “That’s amazing. How did you do that?” It turns out, nobody ever gets it in order. But if you do get it in order, you get extra points. I got the extra points.

Again, I’m an excellent driver. I’m even really good at posting on my social media while driving. I did it over 550 times in April alone, that’s like 18+ posts per day. How many other drivers can say they live-stream as they speed through the food court of a local shopping mall?

In fact, after I made an unsignaled right-hand turn into a parade, I became famous. Great ratings. I was so popular that the DMV asked me to come in to sign more paperwork and prove my fitness to drive.

Another A+ 10/10 perfect score on that battery of tests. The DMV was a little curious whether the rapidly expanding unexplained bruises on my hand had contributed to my inability to operate a vehicle. But it was nothing a little makeup couldn’t explain away, so that seemed to satisfy everyone.

To be honest, I didn’t even mind when I was summoned for my third cognitive test in five months. And, based on the reviews, the audience should be thanking me for driving into that Shakespeare in the Park production. All the world’s a stage. Also, a driveway, if you want it to be. Everyone dies at the end of Hamlet anyway. So it was my Ford Focus and not a poisoned sword or chalice or whatever. Big deal.

Also, don’t forget, if the city had let me build my grand eight-car garage, I wouldn’t have to use the elementary school playground as a parking spot for trips to the grocery store. So whose fault is it really that the four-square game got interrupted?

I can’t wait to take the next test, just to demonstrate, yet again, how tremendous I am behind the wheel. Have to take another one tomorrow because I played my own game of red light, green light while driving the wrong way down a highway exit ramp. It snarled traffic and caused a massive, expensive pile-up of cars and trucks that choked off a primary traffic artery critical to global trade. You must have noticed the price of gas recently. I did that. This means fewer drivers on the road for me to endanger anyway. But, of course, the Woke DMV is making a whole thing of it…

[Nods off and takes a five-minute nap.]

Look, folks, me having to keep taking these tests is proof that I’m a great driver. Why else would I be getting so much attention from the DMV after running up a historic number of moving violations, parking tickets, and license suspensions? They wouldn’t keep demanding I take the tests if I wasn’t so good at them, would they?

Let’s not forget, the chief judge of the traffic court has ruled that all drivers have absolute immunity for “official vehicle acts,” so there really isn’t anything unlawful about any of this. No stoplights, speed bumps, centerlines, or guardrails needed. So it’s all gas, no brakes from here on out.