Little League Week One Power Rankings

1. Folding Chair Returning for a fourth consecutive season, Folding Chair always proves its value on the sidelines, even though it lacks the big market payroll of the guy next to you with the hydraulic rockers and the canopy thing. But while FC remains strong in the cupholders, the seat does still have last season’s water inside.

2. Walks and Errors Year in and year out, the most reliable run-scorers in the league.

3. Structured Outdoor Activity Remains dominant over its bitter rival, No-Plans Winter Weekend Where You Stagger Out of Bed Late to Find the Kids Have Been Watching Three and a Half Hours of YouTube Pranksters Moaning in the Ears of Unsuspecting Customers at Big Box Stores and All They’ve Had for Breakfast Is an Old Tub of Pretzel Rods Including Drinking the Salt from the Bottom and When You Take Away Their Screens They Turn on Each Other like Malnourished Mole Rats and It’s a Symphony of Shrieks and Soft Tissue Injuries While You Consume Your Coffee with a Topper of Foamed Remorse. Pencil in SOA for a tight, early-season win over Why Am I Waking Up at 6:50 a.m. on a Saturday?

4. Other Team’s Dads When it comes to travel ball, OTD always brings the intimidation factor, with their lusty chants of “Swing the Damn Bat!”; “C’mon, Caden, Take a Secondary Lead!”; and “Run it out like a fuckin’ man!” While often knocked for their old-school motivational tactics, Other Team’s Dads’ Team is stomping your kids 21–4, so maybe screaming works.

5. Acute Anxiety This homegrown standout first entered the league as Pure Panic, showing up big whenever a grounder was hit in your kid’s direction. Would he simply fall down, or somehow miraculously field the ball and then spin in terror while baserunners sped past him before firing it randomly into the outfield? Now a seasoned performer, you can count on Acute Anxiety’s steady presence each at-bat—this is your kid’s one chance to contribute for the next forty-five minutes, and everyone’s watching. AA reminds us that in Little League, anything is possible, but only one thing is certain: Someone’s going to cry.

6. Ump A strict, selfless upholder of sacred baseball traditions, including being drunk at 10 a.m.

7. Coach The number one topic of sideline sports-talk pundits, Coach brings the intangibles: a bunch of gear that you’re not supposed to touch. His organized, bemused approach to youth leadership proves that the boys who scared you in middle school gym class can grow up to be the mature, dedicated men who scare you as an adult. But that’s only because Coach does what you could never do: anything that requires your kid’s attention.

8. Parent Who Sits There Reading a Book or Magazine Approaching the game with uncanny confidence, this elite free agent executes a two-way balancing act between their child’s interests and their own. Ask, because they probably brought wine or gummies.

9. Team WhatsApp Group This powerful lineup of aging vets is looking to recover from a series of poorly lit photos of batting gloves that someone left at practice. Last year, TWAG was 0–22 when asking if anyone updated the snack spreadsheet.

10. Baseball Field To quote one local prospect: “It’s really wet, and there’s geese on it.”

11. Sibling Who Came Along SWCA enters the year at a turning point: Will they ascend the rankings with six clean innings of independent play, or continue their slump by refusing to eat the string cheese you brought?

12. Turkey Sandwich This perennial disappointment is projected to finish the season at the very bottom of the bag in a hard tinfoil disk.