A Brief Overview of What It Means to Be a “Viking” for Bostonians

Illustration byMatt Smith.

Fuckin’ vikings, dude.

I just fuckin’ love vikings. N’ I mean, it’s not just ‘cause they’re awesome that I love ‘em, but alsah ‘cause’ah all the diff’rent ways that they’re awesome. ‘Cause they’re so awesome in so many ways that I can’t even fuckin’ keep track’ah ‘em all, n’ that includes the ways that ahr both real n’ completely made-up, like the hohrned helmets n’ Thor bein’ a blond supah’eero alien.

Not that I mind all that stuff, but the real awesome stuff is way, way mo’hr awesome, by which I mean the actual fuckin’ facts as we know ‘em. The true stahries’ah sailin’ intah the fuckin’ unknown, goin’ intah battles so epic that evuhry fuckin’ fantasy authah r’alive today copycats ‘em, n’ behavin’ so goddamn wild n’ outtah-control that people get nicknamed things like Bloodaxe, Skullsplittah, n’ Peacock—which is my own pehrsonal fuckin’ favuhrite, by the way. N’ the myths n’ sagas as they’ve come down tah us ahr pretty fuckin’ sweet, too, even if we can’t exactly trust ‘em. They’re at least wicked old n’ have stood the fuckin’ test’ah time. These ahr the stahries where we learn ‘bout things like the dihrty-ass mead that bad poets drink, cuhrsed swohrds that fuck shit up fah r’entire genah’rations, n’ people gettin’ incredibly petty n’ homicidal ‘bout sheep grazin’ prahceed’ahs in Iceland.

But one’ah the first things tah know ‘bout vikings is that the people who created ‘em came from Scandinavia. Howevah, r’I am not intuhrested in gettin’ intah the semantics ah linguistical histahry’ah the wohrd, “viking,” right now, so go read a fuckin’ book if yah want tah know ‘bout that. Besides, I think we both know what a viking is.

So like I was sayin’, the vikings came from Scandinavia, as I just told yah. That’s Sweden n’ Nahway n’ Denmahk, n’ we can alsah lump in Iceland ‘cause it’s cultuhrally similah r’n was settled by Scandinavians even though it’s not technically paht’ah Scandinavia, but not Finland. Finland’s pretty cool, n’ they have some badass saunas there, not tah mention the Moomins n’ evuhryone n’ their mom loves the Moomins, but it wasn’t a propah viking homeland. Plus, Finland’s language is even mo’hr alien ’en the outah-space Thor from the endless fuckin’ Mahvel movies.

Now technically speakin’, the vikings existed during the Viking Age, n’ the Viking Age is the time pehriod fahr when the vikings existed. So I guess we got some circulah fuckin’ logic there, but let’s just say the Viking Age stahted in 793 when the vikings raided the shit outtah Lindisfarne in England n’ then ended in 1066 when the vikings got their asses handed tah ‘em on a silvah fuckin’ plattah r’at Stamford Bridge, alsah in England. Ah’course, those ahr somewhat ahbitrahry dates n’ skewed heavily towahds the westehrn pehrspective since odds ahr that the vikings were fuckin’ shit up out in the east ‘cross the Baltic Sea befohr they stahted fuckin’ shit up in the west ‘cross the North Sea.

I mean, just look at the gruesome viking warriah graves they found in Estonia back in 2008. Those guys appahrently attempted tah go a-viking, but the plan totally fuckin’ backfi’ahd! So most’ah ‘em got hacked apaht tah death in some brutal battle with intense medieval weapons n’ then buhried in their boats. One guy even ended up with a game piece stuck in his dead body’s fuckin’ mouth, which was actually a sign’ah sehrious respect n’ status.

N’ then there ahr some people who like to say that the vikings stopped being “viking” with the spread’ah Christianity in the Northlands, which isn’t really the whole fuckin’ stahry, eithah, since some supah famous, ultra wahrmongah’rin’ vikings were Christian, like Olaf Tryggvason n’ Harald Bluetooth n’ Harald Hardrada. Christians were actually some’ah the most violent vikings around. Unless, ah’course, yah want tah try n’ make it a purely religious thing, but that’s always a bad idea. I mean, just look at the fuckin’ Levant. Besides, there’s lots’ah bettah wohrds tah use ’en “viking” fahr pagans, such as “pagan” itself, fah r’example, ah r’even “heathen” ah “followah r’ah the old ways” n’ so on n’ so fohrth. Variety is the spice’ah life.

But we shouldn’t fahget that most pagans in Viking Age Scandinavia didn’t actually go a-viking. Most just fahmed n’ fished n’ brewed mead n’ sacrificed humans n’ animals n’ shit since it wasn’t a very humane pehriod’ah human histahry, which is sohrtah an oxymohron in itself, but that’s just the way it goes with bein’ a flawed fohrm’ah fuckin’ life.

Anyway, point bein’ is that vikings didn’t just come outtah nowhere in 793 n’ didn’t just disappee’ah intah thin air in 1066, eithah, r’n they could pretty much be any religion they wanted although that basic’ly meant Norse pagan ah Roman Catholic dependin’ on how much yah want tah obsess ovah the religion factah. The behaviahr’isms’ah true Scandinavian vikingness didn’t conforhm tah ahbitrahry date ranges n’ religious inclinations. N’ on top’ah all that, some people tah this day still like tah refah tah ‘emselves as “viking,” but it’s obviously in a less literal sense othahwise it’s just a stupid, flat-out fuckin’ lie ah delusion.

But then on the othah hand, since the meanin’ah wohrds is always changin’, then maybe bein’ a viking really is just a state’ah mind that transcends all fuckin’ dimensional boundahries’ah space n’ time. Ah something.

Honestly, I’m just so fuckin’ glad it’s Saint Patty’s Day today.

Setting sail in June is Children of Tax and Tea, _a full-color, heavily illustrated, hardback humorous history book about the vikings written in the charmingly profane tone of a foul-mouthed Bostonian.

The book stems from_ McSweeney’s longest-running column,Norse History for Bostonians, that Rowdy Geirsson created in 2010 and that Matt Smith has illustrated since 2017. The book expands significantly on the extensive online repository of the column with all-new text and illustrations.