Our AI Will Murder Your Employees, Pleasure Their Spouses, and Raise Their Children

Meet the future of back office automation: AutoMates. Our product identifies legacy process-driven, rule-based back-office tasks and streamlines them through clear process mapping and the automation of human-augmented workflow nodes. It then facilitates the execution and disposal of all legacy human elements. TLDR: AutoMates fixes your workflows and ensures they stay fixed by humanely murdering whoever broke them in the first place.

We’ve compiled a short Q&A based on specific questions we’ve received from tech founders and investors.

Q: How does it work? A: Our proprietary agentic solution navigates your company’s full tech stack via pre-built API connectivity and full ownership of the end-to-end process cycle. Following handover, the human process node is prompted to view a pleasurable series of flashing colors, numerals, and mildly graphic stock photography from the Nixon era. This precedes a typically fatal, and we assume, only moderately painful aneurysmal rupture. We don’t know why or how it works, but we can’t deny the efficiency gains.

Q: Any bugs to be aware of? What if a process node were incorrectly mapped? Or maybe the execution sequence times out before completion? A: A member of our implementation team will be on standby to plug any failures in the process mapping. They will also carry a ten-inch cast-iron pan should our tech-enabled execution sequence not be 100 percent effective.

Q: Wow. All these gained efficiencies are going to put my business on steroids. I am pumped. What about the many dead bodies, err, redundant process nodes? A: We got you covered. All organic matter will be processed by our implementation team.

Q: What does that mean exactly? Actually, I don’t care. Please just deal with it. Do I need to have my chief of staff inform their loved ones? A: Of course not. That would be an unfair burden to place on our customers. Following disposal, our AI agents will extract emergency contact information from your company’s workforce management solution and compassionately inform all listed parties of the exciting new efficiency gains achieved through AutoMates. They will also implement a solution custom to the romantic and sexual needs of the newly widowed counterparty. Net Promoter Scores (NPS) have consistently validated that our solution provides pleasure far beyond the removed employee’s substandard sexual abilities. In a recent survey of product recipients, 58 percent of participants wished their partners had been automated sooner, 10 percent were too busy being pleasured to respond, and 32 percent incorrectly wished their loved ones hadn’t been murdered.

Q: Just so I understand, it will inform the bereaved families and fuck their loved ones, right? A: Yes. But that understates the sophistication of this technology. AutoMates runs on best-in-class Nvidia B200 chips. It can operate as a multi-agent orchestration platform running multiple processes simultaneously. In layperson’s terms, it can do more than one thing at a time (i.e., “fuck their loved ones” as you put it). For example, it can run multiple murder loops in the office while not cannibalizing the processing bandwidth needed to power AI-enabled robotic genitalia stimulation at home.

Q: Let’s not let my wife find out about this feature, haha. But what if there are kids in the picture? A: We’ll provide assistance with homework, meal prep, and a successful transition into the productive adult their parent failed to become. We’ll also use metadata to construct an adorable anthropomorphic AI avatar mimicking a less pathetic version of the deceased employee’s personality. And in our next release, we’ll be introducing Kumon.

Q: How prone is this solution to failure? What’s your QA process? A: We aggressively beta-test our products internally. Our SLA contractually commits AutoMates to a maximum margin of error of 15 percent (or “slippage”) before activation. The results speak for themselves. Our headcount cost has remained flat for three years, we are actively providing sexual fulfilment to 700 former AutoMates family members, and 80 percent of the children in our corporate program are on an Ivy League track. The other 20 percent are guaranteed a college education via our channel partnership with Tufts.

Q: Okay, I think I’m sold. Still, I do have some concerns over the loss of human life… A: It’s hard to see a loved one die, but it’s much harder to see a loved one live when they are so easily replaceable by AI. We understand this problem intimately at AutoMates, and we’re here to help.

Q: Great point. Where do I sign?