Excerpts from Chief Justice John Roberts’ High School English Essays

“Rather than tilting at a windmill, the proper procedure would be for Don Quixote to file suit to abolish all windmills, ideally in the Fifth Circuit.”

“Whether in the nouveau riche West Egg or the old-money East Egg, housing restrictions are a reasonable tool for maintaining property value and historic neighborhood character.”

“Huck shows great disrespect for the Court’s precedent in Dred Scott when aiding the fugitive Jim, presumably due to liberal indoctrination by the Widow Douglas.”

“Simply wearing a small red letter A is no great burden, and it would infringe upon the free speech of the rest of the town were Hester Prynne not to wear it.”

“ The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass relates only his own views on slavery; we cannot properly assess the merits of his book without giving equal time to his slave owner.”

“As we can see from the difficulties Gulliver encounters when he travels to the lands of the tiny Lilliputians and the gigantic Brobdingnagians, immigration should be discouraged.”

“It is the prerogative of the government of Oceania to determine each day whether Eurasia or East Asia is the enemy, and congressional approval would unjustly constrain Big Brother.”

“Iago says that he has no reason for hating Othello, and it would be wrong of us to impute any racist anti-Moor motivation on his part.”

“Instances of both pride and prejudice have decreased over time, and it is therefore time to abolish protections for the Bennet sisters that unduly burden their suitors.”

“Despite The Jungle ’s focus on the possibility of rats or the occasional factory worker winding up in a hot dog, the true horror would be higher meat prices due to an overprotective nanny state.”-

“Packing Bertha Mason into the attic of Thornfield Hall while allowing Jane Eyre to use the rest of the house is permissible because it is based on restricting her proto-feminist hysteria, not her Creole racial identity.”

“By being such a miser, Scrooge saves enough money to cure Tiny Tim of the diseases caused by Scrooge not paying his father enough in wages, demonstrating that privatized health care and non-union labor are self-correcting.”

“Please see the attached doctor’s note excusing me from reading The Narrative of Sojourner Truth , as it could cause acute psychological distress and fainting spells.”