I Finally Got a Walking Pad to Store Under the Bed and Never Use

After weeks of debating, I finally got a walking pad that I can slide right under my bed and never step foot on. It’s so sleek and light, you can store it anywhere and forget you ever bought it. I make health a priority by spending money on things that I’ll use a few times, then put down in the basement for the ghosts.

The great thing about this walking pad is that it doesn’t have a safety handrail, so if I ever got it out, I could risk my life while sending emails at my desk. Some reviews say the belt gets squeaky over time, but since I’m not going to turn mine on, it should be fine. I would give it a great review if I remembered I owned it.

I bought a weighted vest to use with the walking pad, which is now hanging over a kitchen chair until I move apartments. I went with the eight-pound vest to start and will work my way up from there if I ever manage to put it on. Weighted vests have become popular because they help with bone density if you can suspend them from your skeleton and walk around, which I cannot. They’re also great for increased strength and endurance, and that sounds like an awesome experience for someone else.

I had to get new running shoes because proper foot support is important when you’re walking a lot, which doesn’t directly apply to me. They were pretty expensive, but they look cool sitting on the floor under my coats. I should wear them when I’m getting my steps in while buying cheese at Costco, but what can I say, I love slopping around in my dusty old flip-flops with my crocodile toes out.

This new sports bra is very tight. It feels like a medical device that will need to be removed with scissors. When I sweat, getting it off over my head is like wrestling a piece of pizza out of my dog’s mouth. Luckily, I’m not doing anything to make myself sweat. I drink electrolytes to replace anything I’ve lost, which is nothing. I drink three liters of water a day to test my pelvic floor, and let’s just say I don’t always pass.

It’s great that my watch tells me when to stand. When I hit dismiss and continue sitting, I think, What a useful feature for other people. It does a good job of raising awareness of how much I like sitting and lying down and not getting up. I bet if I could take my walking pad out from under the bed, I’d enjoy recording workouts on my watch, but the walking pad remains under there, and I am over here, and those are the hard facts.

One day soon, I will put on my running shoes and sports bra, take a walk outside, where I can hear the birds and feel the sun, and spend not one living moment upon my walking pad.