The Beaverton [Unofficial]

@thebeaverton.com.web.brid.gy

North America's Trusted Source in News 🌉 bridged from 🌐 https://thebeaverton.com/: https://fed.brid.gy/web/thebeaverton.com

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Longform Stories

Guys who get punched in the head for a living worried about Trump’s cognitive state

15h ago·1 min read·93 words

Carney announces plan to privatize airports but still give them half a billion dollars once in a while

1d ago·1 min read·99 words

WORLD CUP: Canada ties with Bosnia-Herzegovina, reignites WWI

2d ago·1 min read·79 words

Carney bans social media for kids too dumb to figure out VPNs

2d ago·1 min read·87 words

New Brunswick opens Stargate at border for quicker access to PEI

5d ago·1 min read·85 words

Poilievre campaigns on a united Canada: “Please don’t make me find yet another riding”

5d ago·1 min read·91 words

Quebec language laws now require all 2026 hurricanes to be named “Jean-Pierre”

Jun 7·1 min read·87 words

Carney assures Canadians that AI the fastest way to give all our money to US billionaires

Jun 6·1 min read·95 words

Everything Canadian that Albertans will be able to keep after separating, according to Alberta Separatists

Jun 6·1 min read·93 words

FIFA forbids Canadian fans from bringing water inside own bodies into World Cup matches

Jun 5·1 min read·91 words

Huge dock spider already looking forward to scurrying over your hand this summer

Jun 5·1 min read·89 words

Nation’s sports franchises mark Pride Month with the annual closing of the comment section

Jun 4·1 min read·91 words

Netflix says CanCon rules will force them to raise prices that they already raised and plan to raise more

Jun 4·1 min read·101 words

Loud racism narrowly defeats quiet racism in B.C. Conservative leadership race

Jun 3·1 min read·85 words

Study finds jogging for just 30 minutes a day can add 30 minutes of stress to your life

Jun 2·1 min read·99 words

Report: Carney’s plan to protect Canada from US aggression to relocate entire country to Europe

Jun 1·1 min read·93 words

New Canadian Content laws specify 55% of pop stars dated by former Prime Ministers must be Canadian

May 31·1 min read·97 words

“We see a future where intelligence is a utility, and people buy it from us” says Sam Altman from skull-shaped volcano lair

May 31·1 min read·107 words

B4-4, Sugar Jones, Serial Joe announce withdrawal from Trump’s Freedom 250 Celebration

May 29·1 min read·87 words

Loblaws bread-fixing settlement worth approximately 1/3 of grocery trip

May 29·1 min read·81 words

Carney to replace Steven Guilbeault’s seat with burning tailings pond

May 28·1 min read·83 words

Boomer Dad loses Asian restaurant privileges

May 27·1 min read·75 words

Tim Hortons to reduce Temporary Foreign Worker hiring once they figure out how to treat Canadians like serfs

May 25·1 min read·99 words

Man claims Canadian first amendment rights infringed when people refuse to listen to his opinion

May 24·1 min read·93 words

President misses own son’s wedding due to high-level not wanting to go

May 23·1 min read·87 words

AI tech mogul confused why expendable human capital booing him during commencement address

May 23·1 min read·89 words

Soon-to-be grounded Snowbirds promise to make 2026 season their best, most traumatizing for dogs yet

May 22·1 min read·93 words

Soon-to-be grounded Snowbirds promise to make 2026 season their most dog-traumatizing yet

May 22·1 min read·87 words

Kars4Kids scandal shockingly not an Epstein thing

May 22·1 min read·77 words

Danielle Smith announces Fall referendum on the concept of referendums

May 22·1 min read·83 words

Canada ends agonizing three-year Walter Cup drought

May 22·1 min read·77 words

Five tips to avoid prematurely releasing your referendum announcement

May 21·1 min read·81 words

New parents celebrate beginning of 18-year, $300,000 failed investment

May 20·1 min read·81 words

Decades of loyalty points collecting finally yields $5 discount

May 19·1 min read·81 words

Robert K. Irving dies, to be buried in the Great Moncton Pyramid

May 19·1 min read·87 words

Alberta separatists vow to appeal petition denial as soon as US State Department tells them how

May 16·1 min read·95 words

Carney clarifies “Buy Canadian” also means public assets

May 15·1 min read·79 words

Carney announces environment to be eliminated as cost-cutting measure

May 14·1 min read·81 words

Local woman looking forward to 23 days between harsh winter and uncontrollable wildfires

May 13·1 min read·13 words

The Beaverton interviews an Alberta Separatist

May 12·1 min read·6 words

Tech Bro loserdom forces nation to yearn for Finance Bros

May 12·1 min read·10 words

Man exceeds email exclamation mark limit before 10am

May 11·1 min read·8 words

Canadians wonder how close to Mother’s Day you can ask Mom for money

May 9·1 min read·13 words

REPORT: Poilievre’s only hope is that floor-crossing MPs will destroy Liberal Party from within

May 8·1 min read·14 words

Danielle Smith announces referendum to determine her position on Albertan Independence Referendum

May 8·1 min read·12 words

Local nerd disappointed he didn’t get the long form census

May 7·1 min read·10 words

Armageddon 2: Asteroid saves Earth from U.S. in Michael Bay sequel

May 6·1 min read·11 words

Julie K. Brown wins Pulitzer prize for report on Epstein’s [REDACTED]

May 5·1 min read·11 words

Five places you may think you are safe from Canada Geese, but aren’t

May 5·1 min read·13 words

Vancouver Scientology speedrunning event attacked by sprinting Tom Cruise

May 4·1 min read·9 words

Sundin: “Don’t worry, I’m used to propping up inept teammates in Toronto”

May 4·1 min read·12 words

Alberta separatists separate Albertans from their privacy

May 3·1 min read·7 words

Privatized airports means Canadians will pay less flying Air Canada out of Rogers Airport sponsored by Draft Kings

May 2·1 min read·18 words

Rogers puts statues of Ted Rogers in front of nation’s unemployment offices

May 1·1 min read·12 words

Sweating Doug Ford announces plan to fill Lake Ontario with beer

May 1·1 min read·11 words

BREAKING: This nepo baby sure hates it when you call them a nepo baby

Apr 29·1 min read·14 words

Rogers buys naming rights to Bell Canada

Apr 29·1 min read·7 words

Canada uses new sovereign wealth fund to buy Saudi Arabian soccer team

Apr 29·1 min read·12 words

“I’m tired of these goddamn tourists” says man whose financial existence depends on them

Apr 28·1 min read·14 words

Andrew Tate says “chances of him visiting Canada are zero” after learning nation frowns on indicted sex offenders

Apr 27·1 min read·18 words

Oilers fans furious that play they admit was a goal was called a goal

Apr 27·1 min read·14 words

Premier Ford breaks ground on new FanDuel Toronto Primary School

Apr 26·1 min read·10 words

Unstoppable technology of the future still begging people to use it

Apr 23·1 min read·11 words

Alberta announces move to 1950s time

Apr 21·1 min read·6 words

The Beaverton will buy Doug Ford’s used private jet for $7,000.00

Apr 20·1 min read·11 words

Financial planner operating on strange assumption Gen Z client will have society to retire into

Apr 19·1 min read·15 words

Trump announces final Kennedy Centre show will be to host AVN Awards

Apr 18·1 min read·12 words

Humble Premier buys private jet second-hand

Apr 17·1 min read·6 words

Liberal tent now encompasses any political beliefs anyone has ever, or will ever, have

Apr 17·1 min read·14 words

Local man sent for psych evaluation after saying he enjoys sports without gambling

Apr 16·1 min read·13 words

American soldiers equipped with silencers to avoid waking sleeping stock market

Apr 15·1 min read·11 words

JD Vance wondering if he’s proved his loyalty enough to be allowed to have sex with Oval Office couch

Apr 15·1 min read·19 words

Pope Leo says “L + ratio” to Trump on X is what Jesus would have done

Apr 14·1 min read·16 words

Party that exists only to obtain power not sure what to do now

Apr 14·1 min read·13 words

Liberal bouncers tell MPs to wait in line to join party

Apr 14·1 min read·11 words

Netanyahu claims Israel must permanently occupy south Lebanon in self-defence following ground invasion

Apr 13·1 min read·13 words

Hungary admits it voted out Orbán just to see look on JD Vance’s face

Apr 13·1 min read·14 words

TV studios announce new series based on demands of show haters

Apr 12·1 min read·11 words

#1 Canadian summer destination is getting away from Poilievre

Apr 12·1 min read·9 words

Floor-crosser Marilyn Gladu “accidentally” leaves conversion therapy pamphlets around Liberal Convention

Apr 11·1 min read·11 words

Artemis II mission returns successfully with the moon

Apr 10·1 min read·8 words

Cute photo-op destroys Artemis II mission as Canadian uncorks maple syrup

Apr 9·1 min read·11 words

Trump clarifies that civilization he intends to end is America

Apr 9·1 min read·10 words

Five reasons MPs keep leaving my party that have absolutely nothing to do with me

Apr 8·1 min read·15 words

Dow Jones closes down 11 points as Apocalypse destroys all life on Earth

Apr 7·1 min read·13 words

Carney: “I love being PM, except for the brief time I have to spend in Canada”

Apr 7·1 min read·16 words

Local woman totally not jealous of woman who got to leave Earth

Apr 7·1 min read·12 words

AI commercial produced on budget of just 3 lakes

Apr 6·1 min read·9 words

Air Canada promises next CEO will gouge customers in both English and French

Apr 4·1 min read·13 words

█████ fires █████ as █████ for failing to ██████████

Apr 2·1 min read·9 words

Grieving woman trauma dumps to therapist who just wanted to catch up

Mar 31·1 min read·12 words

Report: Late friend late again

Mar 31·1 min read·5 words

Editorial: Here’s why Avi Lewis is the wrong choice to lead the NDP – by a centrist Liberal

Mar 30·1 min read·18 words

House Democrats ask if Canada could step in to fight authoritarianism for them

Mar 30·1 min read·13 words

Sauces that pair nicely with eating the rich

Mar 29·1 min read·8 words

Branding genius! This man calls never doing anything for anybody “self care”

Mar 28·1 min read·12 words

Poilievre returns to his emotional support culture war

Mar 28·1 min read·8 words

Nation almost excited to see how bad Via Rail can get after Carney’s spending cuts

Mar 27·1 min read·15 words

Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not too distracted by their phones to claim it

Mar 27·1 min read·19 words

Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not to distracted by their phones to claim it

Mar 26·1 min read·19 words

Flexible hours company lets bosses email employees any time

Mar 26·1 min read·9 words

Recession Indicator? Pizza delivery man sick of getting paid in blowjobs

Mar 25·1 min read·11 words

Airport security lineups in US vastly reduced after ICE agents kidnap most travellers

Mar 25·1 min read·13 words

CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits

Mar 24·1 min read·9 words

Loblaws pretty sure people won’t care that coconuts labelled as “Canadian”

Mar 23·1 min read·11 words

ChatGPT starting to think human it talking to might be sentient

Mar 23·1 min read·11 words

New glasses feel immense pressure to improve fuckability

Mar 22·1 min read·8 words

World mourns simpler time when internet was just Chuck Norris memes

Mar 20·1 min read·11 words

Doug Ford announces new law stating that if you’re an undercover cop you have to tell him

Mar 20·1 min read·17 words

Poilievre appears on Joe Rogan podcast after accidentally polling too well with women

Mar 19·1 min read·13 words

US loses World Baseball Classic bet, has to give Venezula their oil back

Mar 19·1 min read·13 words

Public bathroom out of soap, toilet paper, lightbulbs

Mar 18·1 min read·8 words

Music festival fan regales friends about $700 show that sounds like worst experience possible

Mar 17·1 min read·14 words

The “so much for global warming” guy at work is having a hell of a month

Mar 16·1 min read·16 words

Trump to allies: “Which of you fucking losers wants to secure the Strait of Hormuz?”

Mar 16·1 min read·15 words

Tim Hortons issues recall after bagels made without burnt edges

Mar 15·1 min read·10 words

AI job losses free up time for unemployed mobs to burn down tech CEO‘s houses

Mar 14·1 min read·15 words

Doug Ford launches transparent effort to end transparency

Mar 13·1 min read·8 words

Carney eyes Bloc MP to complete his collection

Mar 12·1 min read·8 words

Live Nation restricts ticket buying and selling exclusively to bots

Mar 12·1 min read·10 words

Ben Mulroney warns his audience about a rise in car theft by playing a clip from Grand Theft Auto

Mar 12·1 min read·19 words

Every candidate in NDP leadership race comes in third

Mar 11·1 min read·9 words

New Oscar category for “Best Cast” won by Bobby, who tried to climb the tube slide

Mar 10·1 min read·16 words

Americans demand to know who they have to bomb to lower gas prices

Mar 10·1 min read·13 words

Justin Trudeau offers tips on political dynasties to Iran’s newly-chosen supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei

Mar 9·1 min read·14 words

Scientists pinpoint exact age when doing your best no longer good enough

Mar 8·1 min read·12 words

Critics slam measles reboot as another nostalgia-fuelled cash grab

Mar 7·1 min read·9 words

NS budget shortfalls force Tim Houston to eliminate ocean

Mar 6·1 min read·9 words

Carney says he supports US invading Iran, Cuba, and possibly Canada “with some regret”

Mar 5·1 min read·14 words

Carney says he supports US invading Iran, Cuba, and possibly Canada “with some regret”

Mar 5·1 min read·14 words

Help! The cast of Mr. D won’t stop reuniting

Mar 3·1 min read·9 words

Trump assures Congress that Netanyahu has a plan for Iran invasion

Mar 3·1 min read·11 words

Ben Mulroney accidentally shares video with fake footage of him being a respected media figure

Mar 3·1 min read·15 words

Max Scherzer re-signs with Blues Jays for chance to win, get even with guy who cut him off on DVP

Mar 2·1 min read·20 words

Danielle Smith uses notwithstanding clause to run red light

Mar 2·1 min read·9 words

Analysis: Ayatollah’s death fails to deliver Trump his dead father’s approval

Mar 1·1 min read·11 words

Carney puts rules-based international order sign back in window

Feb 28·1 min read·9 words

“Pierre is the Conservative Party’s Justin Trudeau” reads tearful Poilievre in CPC men’s room

Feb 26·1 min read·14 words

Heated Rivalry fans unfamiliar with concept hockey players might be gross

Feb 26·1 min read·11 words

Evil spirit inside Olympic stuffed animal now controls Nathan MacKinnon’s mortal soul

Feb 24·1 min read·12 words

REPORT: Mark Carney calls Canadian Men’s Hockey locker room to offer consolation RRSP advice

Feb 24·1 min read·14 words

Trump demands Canada give him all their Olympic medals

Feb 23·1 min read·9 words

Nation returns to Heated Rivalry to watch Canadians get fucked in a good way

Feb 22·1 min read·14 words

Canada credits gold medal curling win to expert fingering

Feb 22·1 min read·9 words

Kevin O’Leary credits acting chops to years of convincing people he wasn’t driving the boat

Feb 21·1 min read·15 words

Hockey Canada ordered to pay nation’s therapy bills

Feb 21·1 min read·8 words

Pierre Poilievre crosses floor to Liberals

Feb 20·1 min read·6 words

Ford warns OSAP students not to pick ‘basket-weaving courses’, pick ‘inherit trust fund’ courses instead

Feb 19·1 min read·15 words

Jamil Jivani’s plan to neg Canadians into making him PM off to rocky start

Feb 19·1 min read·14 words

U.S. legal scholars baffled as Prince Andrew arrested for Epstein ties, Korean president sentenced for insurrection

Feb 19·1 min read·16 words

28-year-old really enjoying early twenties

Feb 18·1 min read·5 words

Matt Jeneroux leaves Conservative party after being too intimidated by Poilievre’s workout regime

Feb 18·1 min read·13 words

Canada invokes NATO Article 5 against Sweden following Olympic curling conflict

Feb 18·1 min read·11 words

Metrolinx hires elderly woman after watching her take 30 minutes to cross the street

Feb 17·1 min read·14 words

Trump sends well-wishes to Today host’s kidnapped mother after confirming she not in ICE detention

Feb 17·1 min read·15 words

Trump threatens more attacks on Nigeria unless their prince returns his money

Feb 16·1 min read·12 words

Doubles Luge canceled as Olympics runs out of condoms

Feb 14·1 min read·9 words

Elon Musk downgrades empty Mars Colony pledge to empty Lunar Colony pledge

Feb 13·1 min read·12 words

Heated Rivalry season two to follow hockey players who secretly don’t cheat on their wives

Feb 13·1 min read·15 words

Billionaires who lobbied Trump to halt Canadian bridge praise EZ-Bribe App

Feb 12·1 min read·11 words

CBC Gem crashes due to Canadians using it

Feb 10·1 min read·8 words

Trump threatens bridge to prevent Canadians from visiting country Canadians do not want to visit

Feb 10·1 min read·15 words

OpenAI promises new safeguards to prevent suicide-related lawsuits

Feb 9·1 min read·8 words

USA wins gold at Super Bowl

Feb 9·1 min read·6 words

JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life

Feb 7·1 min read·17 words

Buck Martinez announces he is getting up, getting out of here, and gone

Feb 6·1 min read·13 words

Media promises to only fall for the ‘maybe Poilievre has changed’ story 4-5 more times

Feb 5·1 min read·15 words

Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father

Feb 5·1 min read·10 words

WEATHER REPORT: Get ready for a wet ass February

Feb 4·1 min read·9 words

Blue Jays to honour the moment Joe Carter chose a Rogers phone plan

Feb 4·1 min read·13 words