Rampant Regressionism

okay so, the idea goes something like this it's the middle of the night, and j's squad just got back from a hunt. J's dragging her squad into the pod to transmit a report via the relay. (n has found some toy or cool rock that he's focused on; j berates him for the distraction and destroys it in front of him) when theyre in the pod and j's poking them to debrief, v would say it's pointless, but j would insist that it's their jobs to report everything to corporate as they're leaving the pod, N asks V out on a date, and V aloofly brushes him aside, and J sneers at him, telling him to give it up. then she strikes up conversation with V herself, telling her the night is young enough they could go on a second hunt together, just the two of them. V is like, haven't they already done enough for the night? but how else will they make top team? (J might have another motivation, of course) V rolls her eyes and accept, but still snubs J by suggesting they may as well bring the other one with them. N gushes in excitement, and J facepalms. the next hunt takes them to an office tower crawling with workers. n hesitates or tries to talk to them in a way that deeply disappoints j. she kicks him to get back to work. in the final boss room of the office tower, they take down a competent and resourceful worker. importantly, this worker had already defeated a disassembly drone, and they kept their core in an oven like alice's j finds the disassembler's corpse --- serial designation S according to the arm band --- and carries it and the core back to the spire. after how useless n was, j fantasizes about nursing this drone back to health, adding them to her squad, and then eliminating redundancy. then they'd be like a well oiled machine --- making top team for sure. back in the pod, j is recounting the events of her hunt to the uncaring silence of the relay. year after year, night are night, j has transmitted her reports. (sometimes, in her weaker moments, she turned to the relay to pour out her frustrations, doubts, and aspirations). but there is no reply to anything j sends; nothing except a beep of acknowledgement as j's recounting nears the end, she's at the point where she ought to mention S. and it's here that J hesitates. she already loved the idea of adding them to her team, but it had been a private thought. she didn't want to tell her team what she was planning; that'd be bad for morale more than that, she realizes she's anxious of even telling corporate. team assignments are up to them --- she could never have a new member without official paperwork. and this drone had a squad of their own, didn't they? they'd want them back, corporate would tell J to give S back to them, and J would have to listen, because she always follows orders. but if she didn't say, kept it a secret? then she wouldn't be disobeying anything, would she? it'd be off the books. but loyalty isn't just following the letter of the law. J knows a effective drone would report all relevant information. so she gets over her own selfish fantasies, and reports her recovery of S's core. and this prompts what none of J's reports ever had: a verbal response. You are hereby ordered to destroy the core. J freezes. and suddenly, the fantasy she'd already harbored doubts of had been confirmed insolvent. she didn't understand why, she wanted to plead, demands answers, argue with them. but J always followed orders. and especially with her team watching her? she had an example to set. so she dismantles her dream with her own hands. the relay is silent after that, and J feels empty. there's just one other thing to take care of. N put in a truly pitiful perfomance in today's missions. so as punishment, J corners him, attacks, ripping off his limbs and stabbing her tail into his stomach, just beyond the reach of his mouth. he'll survive, if he's clever about it. it'll teach him resourcefulness in addition to discipline. as J goes to sleep, she thinks about what she just destroyed. she's woken up partway through the day. V had gone to N in the middle of the night, reattaching his limbs and spitting on his acid wound. as J watches, V's touch lingers a minute longer than it needs to. N thanks her and reaches out for a hug, and V lets it happen. J falls from the ceiling, unable to contain the irritation lashing her tail. then both of her squadmates are startled from the sound of J launching into the air. but J is flying away. the sun has already risen, so J can't leave the spire. she just hides away in some obscure nook, unseen. and there, J twitches and shakes even as she keeps her mask of composure. did V express more affection for the liability than J? but what did that matter. was she stuck with these two forever? but what did that matter. would S have thanked her with a hug once she'd finished repairing them? what did that matter. corporate had given the order and she'd executed it. so she did all this, gave everything she had, for nothing more than a beep of acknowledgment from corporate. but there's a lot of teams, it'd have to be an overwhelming stream of reports. if J wants attention, she just needs to distinguish herself. they'd definitely have time to hold meetings with the top team she just has to keep pushing herself. keep going. and then she--- what did this matter? effective drones didn't brood in the corner. she forces her features into a neutral mask, and returns to her sleeping perch. the next day, V is back to ignoring and forgetting N. sometimes she gives odd looks, sometimes she is a little slow to fly away from his conversation prompts. but J can at least smirk a little satisfaction that whatever that was last night, it didn't last. it flared up, every so often, but it never lasted. N wouldn't have kept up this long if there was no hope, if there had never been fleeting moments where her composure slips. at least when J slipped she did it where none of her squad could see. the missions continue. J doesn't pull any more double hunts --- some nights she wakes up, opens her eyes, stares blankly for a while, then closes them, hanging limp. then she reminds herself she'll never make top team unless she gets up and grinds, so she gets up and grinds. when she breaks, it's something small. she chases a worker through a children's costume shop. in place of mannequins, there's the short frames of deactived worker drones. her prey tries to disguise themselves as one, but J's senses are too keen, and she cuts them down, stains the racks with their oil. then as she's carrying them back, she sees a worker wearing a maid outfit. J freezes and stares it long enough you'd wonder if a core process crashed. but she snaps out of it and ends the mission. when she goes to sleep that night, she remembers wearing a maid outfit. she wakes up, and thinks about her dreams. she relives the memory of seeing that maid outfit, and wonders what it is lingering in hardrive, half-forgotten and straining to be remembered. J keeeps thinking about it, puzzling over the dreams, in the slow moments in the nights to come. then one day, she's reminiscing while perched on a rooftop while V flushes some drones out of a building --- J's so distracted one of them gets away. that had never happened before. V taunts her about it until J chops off one of her arms. she's lucky J didn't go for the head. ~~but she had a point, after all~~ that night, J remains in the pod after everyone else delivers their reports. with no one around to see her weakness, she turns on the relay again. one more thing, she says. i think i might... need a break. a vacation. something to clear my head. at this, once again, corporate finally deigns to respond Denied. J doesn't scream, because then her squad would hear her. but rather than going to her sleeping perch, she goes to that obscure hook, hidden from sight. she twitches and shakes. she thinks about the maid uniform. and maybe she falls asleep there. maybe she thinks so hard she pulls on that thread of memory until it unravels. maybe she finally breaks and starts outright hallucinating. but she's wearing the maid uniform. and she feels fine, not stricken by drought. and she's not alone. there's a voice murmuring to her, holding her, giving her orders she feels so happy to carry out. and then she wakes up and it's time to grind again. but when the night is over, she can come back to that hiding spot and think about being a maid again. if N or V notice the piles of scrap around the spire are tidier and sorted, they don't comment on it. one hunt takes them to an office supply store, and J raids it for paper and ink. when V asks, J says it's for paperwork. the truth is she's started drawing again. she draws herself as a worker drone wearing a maid dress. she draws the human --- she can't remember the face, but they has such expressive eyes. she draws serial designation S. she enjoys it. she spends so much time hiding, reliving her memories and drawing them out that on a few nights she forgets to hunt at all. then N bothers her, saying he's worried she's overheating, so he brought her some oil. she snaps about not needing charity, and hits him. then one day, j comes back to her secret hiding spot to find v there, laughing at her drawings. J nearly kills her on the spot, but V's words stop her in her tracks. so this is what J's been doing instead of working. j attempts a jargon-filled denial, but v cuts through all of it. "we're supposed to report everything to corporate, aren't we, j? i think they'd want to hear about what my squad leader has been spending so much time on." j demands she doesn't, but v doesn't respond well to demands. j begs, and v decides she'll let it drop. under a condition. "make me team leader," v says. j's confused, so v waves her hand. "i'm sure you can make up some paperwork. just say 'i, sd-j, hereby transfer all mission authority to v' or something." but you have no aptitude for leading! "i'll hav