Processing pain

1 year ago today I was already reeling from learning one of my closest friends had passed a few hours ago when I was awoken by a phone call telling me 2 of my friends were in the hospital after being attacked. But processing this wasn't on the cards because I had to step up and be one of the main organizers in their absence for the club's parade section  while the rest of the guys sorted out logistics. I think this may be a reason why I'm avoiding it this year. In Pratchett's discworld books the witches have a trick where they can take somone's pain out of their body, but it's dangerous because you have to keep everything perfectly balanced to do it and keep it outside yourself.That's how I felt that day. I was keeping myself balanced and empty while all the pain spun in a little ball over my shoulder. The pain was there but not inside me. Because I had a duty to do. And the year since then I've had to do that a lot.Because I've been put into situations I don't have the tools to deal with. I've had to deal with an angry community baying for blood over half truths designed to prey on people's good intentions. I've had to figure out some complicated gender shit alone because the corners of my social circle most connected to nonbinary don't feel safe to me any more. I've not properly grieved my friend's death. That's still in the spinning little ball over my shoulder. I see him all the time in my contacts with all the funny little memes I would send him.A digital ghost frozen in time.And I want to sit down and talk about it. About him.But I don't know how. There have been some amazing moments over this past year. I've never felt so loved and I have had amazing times and experiencesBut there still has been the little pain ball I've been struggling to keep there. I feel like counseling would be really nice, but paying for that, particularly with a queer one who understands the particulars of my experience, isn't on the cards at the moment. And I've spent a lot of it feeling guilty. I'm collateral from stuff that's happened to other people.I shouldn't be this damaged by other people's experiences is how I've felt. But it felt cathartic to write this out at least.