struggling socially (｡•́ ̫ •̀｡)

hi friends - today imma be yapping about how i'm doing socially atm because i feel like it's a lot and i don't know where else to yap/vent about it tbh!

as i mentioned in my previous post, i've always been the outcast socially. making and keeping friends has always been really difficult for me. and tbh it's gotten worse recently! i've had some experiences where my difficulties with my mental health/adhd have caused rifts or disagreements with people and it's knocked my confidence a lot. i've felt like a bad person for inadvertently upsetting people - i know i'm not a bad person but rejection sensitivity will convince you of that daily!

i've been feeling like i'm a problem to other people lately because my brain hasn't been able to work out other reasons why things aren't going so well for me atm. i'm struggling to get back into streaming again and my brain has convinced me that because i've seen others do similar things, play similar things etc. that the overarching problem MUST be me. my small biz is struggling and i've convinced myself that i'm a terrible artist. rsd is truly an absolute MENACE and you don't know the full extent until you experience it.

i've been actively trying to reach out to people i've chatted to before but the conversation just ends with my reply to their reply to my message and i never hear from them again. i've recently left groups because of people acting shitty and instead of feeling like people had my back i just don't hear from anyone anymore. so i'm left in my little bubble wondering what is so wrong with me that i repel people!

i'm often comfortable with being on my own - sometimes i need that! but atm i crave more community and i just cannot seem to make it happen. conversations fizzle out, i'm not invited to anything (partially my fault bc i've said no in the past) and it feels like i'm the kid no one picked for their team back in school. i'm left watching people have fun with their friend groups whilst i sit alone and often just end up crying before bed and hoping the next day will somehow be better.

maybe there is something wrong with me that i just can't see. it's been happening my entire life and i thought at least now i know i'm neurodivergent that would help me understand myself and hopefully connect better with others but it seems like even fellow neurodivergent people don't seem to want to socialise with me.

everything has gotten worse since my adhd diagnosis tbh. it feels like i'm struggling and trying to cope with a new diagnosis, new meds etc. and i feel like although i have a handful of friends i don't have a core group to lean on anymore.

i have 1 irl friend who lives far away and that's it. i spend my evenings staring at discord hoping someone might message who i haven't heard from since i last messaged them.