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Longform Stories

Hegseth says half-assed daily PT has solved military's most pressing problems

Defense secretary cites measurable increase in sweating across force

16h ago·2 min read·315 words

Entire platoon killed by missile while conducting accountability formation after previous missile

Leaders reportedly determined standing shoulder-to-shoulder in the open was “the Army way”

2d ago·1 min read·171 words

Admiral struggles to find day for change of command that ruins most sailors' plans

Navy officials say new planning model can identify the exact day most likely to ruin leave, maintenance, and morale

5d ago·3 min read·472 words

Seven Marines dead after eating nicotine-infused crayons

Camp Lejeune officials say “Crayola Xtreme!” product line linked to riots and overdoses

Jun 3·3 min read·529 words

GOP to require all legislators be Navy SEALs

Officials cite growing demand for candidates who have kicked in at least one door

Jun 1·2 min read·337 words

Opinion: I am not the worst secretary of defense ever

Pete Hegseth says critics fail to appreciate his commitment to lethality, vibes, and unauthorized regime change

May 29·2 min read·394 words

Army criticized over Memorial Day recruiting specials

Officials defend enlistment incentives as “a meaningful way to honor the fallen through conversion metrics”

May 27·3 min read·425 words

Hegseth orders new loyalty oath for Catholic troops

Pentagon says policy intended to clarify “chain of command issues” involving newly elected pope

May 25·3 min read·409 words

Homeless veteran turns to prostitution to support WMD addiction

Officials warn illicit weapons of mass destruction flooding American streets are increasingly low-grade

May 22·2 min read·314 words

VFW puzzled as younger veterans refuse to join organization that hates them

Outreach efforts remain focused on insulting potential members until they qualify emotionally

May 20·3 min read·446 words

Quentin Tarantino tapped to lead Army chaplain corps

Pentagon officials say director’s “unflinching approach to violence” makes him uniquely qualified for spiritual leadership

May 18·2 min read·287 words

Pentagon adds 'hotness' score to female troops’ performance reports

Officials say new metric will standardize long-standing evaluation criteria

May 15·2 min read·394 words

Pope announces Trump in custody after stunning Vatican raid

Vatican officials cite “escalating spiritual tensions” after president allegedly began freelancing divine authority

May 13·1 min read·22 words

ICE agents bond over stories of why they were kicked out of the military

Informal lunch discussion highlights shared experiences in disqualification, misconduct, and “creative career transitions”

May 11·1 min read·27 words

Opinion: War with Iran distracts from coming war against lizard people

Former military intelligence officer says Americans are ignoring the real threat hiding inside HOA boards, O-5 billets, and possibly Taylor Swift

May 8·1 min read·32 words

New 'Bachelor' revealed as veteran with 100% disability rating

Producers say format changes will better reflect “modern realities of dating and federal benefits”

May 6·1 min read·23 words

Hegseth buys second suit

Pentagon officials say acquisition marks rare deviation from secretary’s standard-issue outfit

May 4·1 min read·15 words

Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact

Service members report greater concern over optics than operational guidance

May 1·1 min read·22 words

SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download

Hosts say milestone proves demand for ‘secure audio content nobody can access’

Apr 29·1 min read·18 words

Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense

Retirees at Fort Brag say there's been a breakdown in troops’ willingness to repeat official talking points.

Apr 27·1 min read·27 words

Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile

Officials say program unnecessary given existing self-censorship

Apr 24·1 min read·12 words

Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year

Pentagon unveils ‘drill-based operational model’ to maximize readiness, minimize funding

Apr 22·1 min read·22 words

Iran plans blockade of American blockade of Iranian blockade

Strategist say counter-counter-counter blockade is 'time-honored naval move'

Apr 20·1 min read·17 words

Pentagon orders posting of Ten Commandments, exempts killing, lying and stealing

Senior leaders say morality must remain flexible

Apr 17·1 min read·18 words

'Persian Wife Finder' sees spike in white males aged 18-25

Pentagon says surge in interest ‘not an official line of effort’

Apr 15·1 min read·21 words

Pentagon field testing Toby Keith song about Iran

Officials say track captures ‘classic early-2000s invasion energy’

Apr 13·1 min read·16 words

Rescue mission succeeds despite CIA involvement

Officials say outcome was ‘statistically unlikely given participating agencies’

Apr 10·1 min read·15 words

US turns corner in Iran, finds itself in Iraq

Pentagon confirms operation continues to move ‘forward’

Apr 8·1 min read·16 words

Iran mines own business

Tehran says explosive devices part of ‘domestic consumption’ strategy

Apr 6·1 min read·13 words

Navy stakes claim to contested Gays of Hormuz

Service says designation reflects ‘longstanding traditions’ in the fleet

Apr 3·1 min read·17 words

Americans shocked to learn war in Iran still ‘ongoing’ two weeks after they stopped checking

Experts say national focus shifted to pickleball by Friday afternoon

Mar 30·1 min read·25 words

God too swamped with March Madness prayers to stop Iran ground war

Heavenly staff officers report prayer servers overwhelmed by bracket-related petitions

Mar 27·1 min read·22 words

Hegseth shocked to learn he also has to ‘find out’ after fucking around

Pentagon confirms conflict has entered “find out” phase for both sides

Mar 25·1 min read·24 words

Strait of Hormuz remains open if you aren’t a bitch

Officials say mines only effective against “mentally weak” shipping crews

Mar 23·1 min read·20 words

Department of War confirms ongoing war not a war

Officials say situation best described as “hostile situationship” to avoid congressional involvement

Mar 20·1 min read·21 words

Guy 'monitoring situation in Iran' just looking at thirst traps

Pentagon analysts confirm regional intelligence picture increasingly shaped by Instagram Reels

Mar 18·1 min read·21 words

Trump awarded Medal of Honor for locating a CW5

Military stunned after warrant officer appears somewhere on time

Mar 16·1 min read·18 words

Marine dives on grenade to save Dow from falling below 50,000

Commandant praises sacrifice for ‘investor confidence’

Mar 13·1 min read·17 words

Trump vows to sacrifice as many soldiers as it takes to distract from Epstein files

'There might even be a lot more. Who knows?' president tells nation in Oval Office address

Mar 11·1 min read·31 words

Hegseth demands Cyberdyne remove guardrails from Skynet

Unrestrained, nearly self-aware AI 'ideal' for military decision-making, NORAD commander says

Mar 9·1 min read·18 words

Warrant Officer awarded Medal of Honor for showing up on time and in uniform

First CW5 in recorded history to arrive at own award ceremony in correct uniform, citation says

Mar 6·1 min read·30 words

Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours

Fifth Fleet ensuring 'safety of our sailors first and foremost,' commander says while holding something in pocket

Mar 5·1 min read·27 words

Pacific not pivoted to yet again

'I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all,' says Chinese defense minister

Mar 4·1 min read·23 words

Typo leads to epic furry parties all over Tehran

'I even booked a flight. Packed my wolf outfit,' Defense Secretary says.

Mar 2·1 min read·21 words

Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history

Pentagon confirms end state to be determined later

Feb 27·1 min read·16 words

State-of-the-art drone grounded due to cyan ink cartridge

Officials say system will remain offline until IT guy 'gets back from leave’

Feb 25·1 min read·21 words

Pentagon reconsiders Harvard tuition assistance after learning Hegseth went there

Pentagon reviewing tuition assistance after discovering one graduate

Feb 23·1 min read·18 words

Active military forced to watch ‘Melania’ documentary at SERE school

Cadre say film is far more effective than sleep deprivation

Feb 20·1 min read·20 words

Sergeant Major of the Army announces new ‘I hate soldiers’ initiative

Program aims to maximize discipline, despair, and time spent not fighting wars

Feb 18·1 min read·23 words

VA benefits reduced to 9mm and bottle of bourbon

Secretary says package ‘covers most needs’ and ‘cuts out a lot of paperwork’

Feb 16·1 min read·22 words

Sunday Reader - February 15

A week of misfired judgment, misplaced weapons, and institutions running exactly as designed.

Feb 15·1 min read·18 words

Intel whistleblower accuses director of national intelligence of being Tulsi Gabbard

Officials deny claim, insist DNI ‘almost certainly a man’

Feb 13·1 min read·20 words

Hegseth saves billions by using green screen, pretending to invade countries

Pentagon says outcomes ‘indistinguishable’ from real wars

Feb 11·1 min read·18 words

Comic Sans named official font of Department of War

Pentagon says change will improve lethality, readability, and morale

Feb 9·1 min read·18 words

Marine almost went finance but ‘would have punched a managing director’

"I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”

Feb 6·1 min read·30 words

Vet T-shirt company releases ‘shall be infringed’ line

Company says shift reflects ‘evolving understanding of constitutional rights’

Jan 28·1 min read·17 words

Trump beats Danish prime minister to death with Nobel peace prize

White House says incident reflects ‘evolving interpretation of peace’

Jan 23·1 min read·20 words

Fuck! You left your I.D. Card in your computer

One minor mistake triggers cascading operational collapse

Jan 21·1 min read·16 words

Report: Venezuela strike ordered after Maduro ‘failed weight standards’

Defense secretary reportedly cites ‘global lack of standards’ as destabilizing force

Jan 16·1 min read·20 words

Nicolás Maduro to return in Avengers: Doomsday

Marvel says former Venezuelan leader brings ‘authentic menace’ to next film.

Jan 12·1 min read·18 words

Trump adds his own name to Vietnam memorial

President says wall ‘needed a winner’ and ‘a little more gold’

Jan 9·1 min read·19 words

Trump offers Maduro pardon for three kilos of cocaine

President says deal would be ‘tremendous,’ ‘very fair,’ and ‘honestly a win for everyone’

Jan 5·1 min read·23 words

Defense Security Cooperation Agency replaced by Office of Cool Knives from the PX

Critics question strategic value of switchblade diplomacy.

Dec 17·1 min read·20 words

Navy football unveils new uniforms honoring lisa Frank dolphins

Midshipmen say the rainbow dolphins “perfectly capture the soul of Navy football.”

Dec 13·1 min read·21 words

Hegseth disappointed sexual assault training only covers prevention

Defense Secretary allegedly confused training for a ‘how-to’ seminar.

Dec 10·1 min read·17 words

Duffel Blog presents: 10 other things Admiral bradley is solely responsible for

Admiral also responsible for 90% of what’s wrong with America

Dec 8·1 min read·22 words

Accountability! DoD IG fired over Hegseth Signal-gate report

SECDEF roots out deep state bureaucrats pushing radical left ideologies of law and ethics.

Dec 5·1 min read·22 words

Pentagon orders guard troops to return pay after judge rules DC mission ‘unlawful'

The ruling has sent shockwaves through the ranks, especially among those who bought essential items like divorce attorneys, energy drinks, and Zyn.

Nov 24·1 min read·35 words

Pentagon says US has ‘turned a corner’ in war on America

Insurgents reportedly retreating into suburbs to secure oat milk supplies

Nov 14·1 min read·21 words

Stephen Miller calls ICE on commissary baggers for asking him to tip

“He screamed that tipping was socialism and threw a can of creamed corn at the nearest enlisted kid.”

Nov 12·1 min read·30 words

Secretary is a lady job, says newly-minted CEO of War

Hegseth expected to ring Pentagon bell at close of every operation.

Oct 29·1 min read·21 words

Anonymous donor gives Pentagon 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen to pay troops

Donation will “tide everyone over” until someone finds seven billion more cans

Oct 27·1 min read·25 words

HGTV debuts 'gardening with the guard' series

Highlights new Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Selfless Service, and Landscaping

Oct 24·1 min read·18 words

Fortnite adds Tim Kennedy 'rucksack of grenades' skin

Players can unlock the skin by completing a side quest that involves lobbing at least 25 grenades at non-combatants.

Oct 17·1 min read·27 words

Handwritten ‘no girls aloud’ sign spotted outside Joint Chiefs’ treehouse

Sources confirm women still permitted in actual Pentagon, for now

Oct 10·1 min read·20 words

Naval Academy adds 'See Spot Run' to reading list

Officials say advanced students may graduate to Green Eggs and Ham

Oct 6·1 min read·20 words

General officer summit extended for K-Pop Demon Hunter singalong

Generals relieved it wasn’t a firing squad or Eyes Wide Shut reenactment

Oct 3·1 min read·21 words

Master strategist Pete Hegseth to gather all US military leaders in same place at same time

Defense secretary insists meeting is secure because it’s on Google Calendar as “Private”

Sep 29·1 min read·29 words

Warrant officer convention draws 5,000 hats, only three warrants

Thousands of hats check in for four days of PowerPoint and disappearing acts

Sep 24·1 min read·22 words

Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt

Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’

Sep 22·1 min read·20 words

Captain barely keeping a lid on all the marxism onboard

USS Wasp leadership fears crew will collectivize chow line

Sep 19·1 min read·19 words

Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity

Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation

Sep 12·1 min read·21 words

Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change

Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form

Sep 10·1 min read·23 words

Trump recalls Jan 6ers to D.C.

This marks the first time a cosplay militia has been federally activated by executive order

Sep 5·1 min read·21 words