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  "path": "/im-so-sad-you-didnt-think-you-could-tell-your-father-and-me-you-were-the-santa-fe-slasher/",
  "publishedAt": "2026-06-02T13:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://theonion.com",
  "tags": [
    "Commentary",
    "Former Print Exclusive",
    "Parenting",
    "Vol 62: Issue 10",
    "I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher",
    "The Onion"
  ],
  "textContent": "Listen, sweetie. There’s something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we’ve noticed you’ve been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we’ve noticed you sneaking out late every night. But we’re not angry. If anything, we’re just […]\n\nThe post I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher appeared first on The Onion.",
  "title": "I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher"
}