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  "path": "/clavicular-wakes-up-as-hideous-jawless-monster-after-rating-old-crone-a-4/",
  "publishedAt": "2026-05-28T13:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://theonion.com",
  "tags": [
    "News",
    "Social Media",
    "Vol 62: Issue 21",
    "Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4",
    "The Onion"
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  "textContent": "MIAMI—Trembling as he held a hand mirror to his face to behold his ghastly new form, internet personality Clavicular reportedly woke up as a hideous, jawless monster Thursday after rating an old crone’s looks a four out of 10. “Oh God, oh God—what has she done? I’m a monstrosity! I’m hideous!” said the formerly chisel-jawed […]\n\nThe post Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4 appeared first on The Onion.",
  "title": "Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4"
}