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  "path": "/rfk-jr-i-am-6-animal-penises-away-from-curing-cancer/",
  "publishedAt": "2026-03-27T19:05:16.000Z",
  "site": "https://theonion.com",
  "tags": [
    "Politics",
    "Health + Wellness",
    "RFK Jr",
    "Vol 62: Issue 12",
    "RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’",
    "The Onion"
  ],
  "textContent": "WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Friday in which he stated that he was only six animal penises away from curing cancer. “After major breakthroughs in obtaining the penises of a manatee, an armadillo, and […]\n\nThe post RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’ appeared first on The Onion.",
  "title": "RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’"
}