You Have What You Need

I’ve started looking at computer parts again. This is dangerous territory to be in, (perhaps never more than now, when prices are spiking over the availability of chips). When I moved, I moved with only a laptop, which is now over six years old. It’s starting to show its age; struggling on renders, and chugging when I try to play some modest games. It’s got its quirks, times when I’ve learned I just have to cut my losses and restart. The battery’s pretty shot; I’m lucky to get an hour or so out of it.

Yes, there are real issues. I’ll get a new computer before too long, whether it’s buying a new laptop or bringing over my desktop from America (also in need of a refresh!). But as I found myself in the familiar trap of reviews and price-checking, I started to wonder if I wasn’t feeling something more acute than simply gear acquisition syndrome, or the desire for retail therapy.

The primary thing that precipitated this was Street Fighter 6. I’ve been trying to get back into fighting games since I was moderately-consistent at Melty Blood a couple of years ago, and now that the next installment of Melty Blood is coming out, I want to get back into the groove. But despite saying that for a good while, I haven’t really been playing all that much. I also had this feeling with my guitar, another hobby I’ve been neglecting, thinking I needed to replace a part, readjust my setup before I could really play. I’ve now readjusted everything, yet my practice time remains fairly flat—“maintenance mode” might be generous. Like I’ve said before, right now my life is largely dominated by wedding prep and studying Japanese for the JLPT, which leaves precious little time for other pursuits; but not no time. I’m being hard on myself, but I’ve got high standards.

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It’s a hard balance. I don’t want to fill every moment of every day with activity, but I do have a lot of things I want to do, and it’s hard to not live up to my own standards for them. But at some point you have to make priorities, and acknowledge there are a limited number of hours in the day (if the Dark Hour existed, I’d still be doing the same stuff). For the next month or so, that means focusing on Japanese and wedding prep, and letting the rest fall as it may.

Of course, I couldn’t really practice fighting games all that much, as I’ve been messing around with settings to try and get a solid 60 fps! (Frames matter in fighting games more than any other genre, perhaps). Clearly the issue wasn’t me, it was my hardware; all I needed was to buy a new computer, and everything would be smooth sailing.

It’s a feeling I’m familiar with, having honed my sense for it on photography. Any photographer knows there’s a near-constant push to get a new camera, a new lens: and once you do, you’ll finally be able to make the photographs you want to, the photographs you were meant to capture all along!

But photographers should know best of all that’s not really how it works. You can get that lens, that camera, and it might be fun, or even encourage you to go out and shoot more. But sooner rather than later, you’ll find yourself looking for the next new lens, the next new camera—back in the same loop you were previously in. The problem isn’t my gear—it’s me. I’ve already got everything I need.

I’m well-aware of the trap, but still feel the pull. I’ve managed to break myself out of it in a number of ways, and as a very particular person, sometimes I do get just the thing I want and find the craving dissipate (my interest in keyboards almost completely vanished after I bought an HHKB, still my daily driver). But it’s good to be aware when I’m feeling a true limitation of my gear, or when I’m trying to plaster over another feeling entirely.

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