a lifechanging event

Right now, I am sitting up in bed just past 4:20pm on a drizzly Tuesday in the best city in the world. Tomorrow at 1:40pm I will be boarding a flight to Bangkok, Thailand. This Sunday I will be the benefactor of one of the many miracles of modern medicine.

I will be undergoing:

To use some choice phrases, I will be the recipient of:*

I am so unbelievably confident that this is the right move forward for me.

I am confident about what I want: bottom dysphoria is what made me realise I'm trans, my current setup has felt outright incorrect basically as long as I've been aware of it instead of dissociating, and I know it'll very quickly feel much more natural to have a vagina.

I am confident about how I'm going about it: not only have I done an obscene amount of research, I have consulted so so many others, and I get to copy the homework of those who have gone before me, and of the options available, this is the one that best fits my needs and wants.

There's already been a huge outpouring of support from my community, so many people are reaching out to offer help with things, or dropping off care packages, and so many offers of emotional support. Friends, family, lovers, loved ones, even my coworkers and bosses have been going out of their way for me. I feel so special and adored and celebrated, and I feel so incredibly lucky to be so loved. So many people have gone out of their way to make sure that I have everything I need for this process, and now it's time!

Despite all this, the answer when someone asks "how are you feeling about it?" is mostly just apprehension and anxiety. I'm not desperately clinging on for this surgery as some way of saving myself or transforming myself or fixing myself so there's no desperate excitement just around the corner, I am simply making an intentional change to lead a better life. Given that, all I'm left with is following the path I have laid out, where all I know is the first bit and I'm stressing about it, and once I'm on the path I am filled with uncertainty about what lies ahead.

It's a path many have walked before, so I know I can walk it to. I'm uniquely prepared for it - I'm already very familiar with being bedbound, in pain, and incapacitated or otherwise unable. Normally I'd just be suffering through it - this time I get the good drugs and I'm packing the full entertainment kit.

I can handle a bit of anxiety and apprehension, I've got this shit on lock.

But I'm gonna miss her. I have worked so very hard to build the positive relationship I have with my body (which you know is impressive given how disabled I am), and part of that is a relationship with my dick.

There's grief there. Sex is incredibly important to me, and I'll lament that I'll never be able to have sex that way again. It's a "one door closes and another opens" situation but there are a few things I wanted to do that didn't get to happen. But that's it, just a few lost possibilities to mourn.

The only constant is change.

She's served me so very well, and I have given her the best sendoff I could imagine including a whole farewell tour road trip in her honour! It was 100 days between confirming my surgery date and the surgery itself. I packed every single one of those 100 days so very full. Lovers old and new have made sure to give her a fond farewell, and I've had an incredible time. She was so pretty and nice and I and many others cherished her. This evening I'm going to be making a mould of her, so I have a keepsake to remember her by.

2026 has already been the best year of my life so far. Life just keeps getting better because I keep getting better at living it well. So often I'll post something along the lines of "I am so immensely proud of the remarkable woman I am today" or "I feel so lucky to lead this wonderful life", just sharing the joy in the life I have built myself and how fortunate I am to have had the opportunities I needed to do so. I stand by the sentiment wholeheartedly.

Life is so good.

“I will tell you precisely what Royalty is,” said Intra, “It is a continuous cutting motion.”

- Kill 6 Billion Demons - Wielder of Names 6-111