W20: To channel or not to channel the dark side

This is a rant about my inner struggle.

What I worked on

• Nothing much of value per se, I focused on handling some personal matters.

Reflections & learnings

• My mind has been jammed fixed on this problem I am facing in my life right now. For long, I have kept myself from using any dark thoughts or feelings as a source of inspiration or action. I have avoided letting resentment, anger, envy, jealousy, and insecurity turn into inspirations for action in my life. This week, I have had a very strong urge to finally do it. So, my brain has been juggling between 3 different sources of ideas around channelling the dark side and living with my reality. First, I am rereading the early chapters of the Bhagavad Gita. Second, watching Maul and Andor, and rewatching parts of Star Wars Rebels. And third, the long list of Kanye West songs in my playlists. This is going to get weird now because I will be quoting Kanye’s lyrics as philosophical thoughts going forward in this post. Well, songs are but poetry at the end of the day, so it’s valid philosophy.
• In Power, Kanye sang:

My childlike creativity, purity, and honesty Is honestly being crowded by these grown thoughts Reality is catching up with me Taking my inner child, I’m fighting for custody With these responsibilities that they entrusted me As I look down at my diamond-encrusted piece

• If I channel my dark thoughts to motivate action, I fear it will destroy my inner child.
• This reminds me of the struggle many characters face with the dark side in Star Wars. Yoda and others address it in the movies and The Clone Wars, but what strikes me most are the insights from Star Wars Rebels, especially Bendu, who claims to embody both Light and Dark, and Kanan’s reflections on the dark side.

An object cannot make you good or evil. The temptation of power, forbidden knowledge, even the desire to do good, can lead some down that path. But only you can change yourself. — The Bendu, Season 3, Episode 1: “Steps into Shadow”

That was the dark side. It isn’t something you can just use when it’s convenient and then put away. It changes you. — Kanan Jarrus, Season 3, Episode 1: “Steps into Shadow”

• To say I am scared of changing myself for this will be an understatement, but then if my reality requires it right now, maybe I should just give in? Because things aren’t going so well, the way I do them right now. But this will alter my personality a lot. And I am not sure how I will act or how people will react after that change.
• In Pure Souls, Kanye sang:

I said the truth is only what you get away with, huh? Ayy, that’s why a lot of these **** be fakin’, huh Made it through the trials and tribulations, huh

It ain’t how it used to be This the new me, so get used to me Lookin’ in the mirror, it’s the truth for me Lookin’ at my kids, it’s the proof for me Devil get behind me, I’m loose, I’m free Father, Holy Spirit, let loose on me

• For how the only thing that really matters is reality itself and not everything I do to make something a reality, maybe this struggle of thoughts I am having is very pointless because this indecision is just keeping me away from a lot of things that I need to do that will actually have an impact, rather than just an impasse.

The wise person who is not affected by these, and who looks upon happiness and unhappiness equally, attains the right to immortality. — Chapter 2, Verse 15 as translated by Bibek Debroy

You have the right to action alone. You never have the right to the fruit. Do not be motivated to act because of the fruit. But don’t be motivated to not acting either. — Chapter 2, Verse 47 as translated by Bibek Debroy

• At some point, all of this feels pointless to me because indecision is very paralysing. Therefore, since acting does not cause direct harm, I think it’s best to just take action.

Therefore, do the prescribed action. Because action is superior to not performing action. And without action, even survival of the body is not possible. — Chapter 3, Verse 8 as translated by Bibek Debroy

• Putting this altogether for the second time (first in my own journal and now for this weeknote), I realise that I know what I want and what I will do next. Now, I just need to act bravely, even though some of my choices may be painful for me, even if they don’t affect others.
• HELLO FROM THE DARK SIDE.

Health & habits

• I went for a run on 5 out of the 7 days, which felt like a big achievement for me.
• These runs came with early mornings, waking up between 4:30am and 5:00am.
• Starting my day this way made me feel really good.

Observations about the world

• I made a conscious effort to keep to myself as much as possible this week.
• The world simply keeps going, with or without my involvement.

Gratitude

• It was Week 2 of the Pollinator program on Friday. I am deeply grateful to my cohort.

Reading & media

• I watched Andor this week. I had really skipped most of Star Wars over the last 3 years. It was good catching up with Andor. I wrote super short reviews on both Season 1 and Season 2.
• I am still reading the same books from last week, and I also added India, A Short History by Andrew Robinson to that list. Hopefully, this week I will finish at least one of the 5 books I am reading now.
• I haven’t watched Tere Ishq Mein, but I discovered the Sufi song Deewaana Deewaana by A.R. Rahman made for the film. I really enjoy it.

Looking ahead

• I am hoping to meet some people this week and not back out of plans. I am optimistic that those I want to see will be available for a good conversation.

Meta about the blog

• I added the Topics page with one sub-topic, Data Centres. Topics will be long-term thought dumps that I will keep adding to over the years. They could be pros and cons, likes and dislikes, and even warnings about some subjects.
• I updated the Uses page with a long list of things.
• Colophon has badges now to proclaim some fun things about this website.
• I also created a JSON Feed Valid 88x31 Badge that you are free to use.
• There is also now a Flights page with a link to my My Flightradar24 profile and stats.