Somewhere I Belong (and it’s not in my head): a mixtape

Morning pages have a way of pulling the chair from underneath you just before you sit down. I haven’t done this for a while, so the words came slowly. You start by writing the ordinary thing. Waking up before five. Coffee. Email. The same thoughts looping around my head about money, sex, work, and the shape of the day. Ten minutes have gone by. And then the trapdoor opens. Underneath the routine is the real question: Am I living my vision, or just rearranging myself into shapes that I hope someone will notice? You know I love a good mixtape. I haven’t done one of those in a while, either. Might as well start at the beginning. This first mixtape in the new series emerges from the undercurrent of my morning pages. These songs are for the self that is tired of shapeshifting for approval, tired of checking the metrics before doing the work, tired of trying to become the right thing instead of pushing the thing with enough force that the world has to feel it. The seed songs got me through my workout this morning. Linkin Park’s “Somewhere I Belong” is the ache for a truer room inside the self. “Crawling” is the body admitting that habit can become possession. Papa Roach’s “Between Angels and Insects” brings the money spell into the open. All the wanting, buying, comparing, climbing, and hunger that eats the soul while pretending to feed it. System of a Down’s “Aerials” lifts the whole drama above the maze, where ego and conformity and freedom look different from a height. Then Avenged Sevenfold’s “Hail to the King” arrives with the crown, the will, and the danger of sovereignty. Who actually rules the inner kingdom and by what right? Play it loud. By the end, see what’s left standing. You can listen on Spotify or Youtube The Mixtape Linkin Park — “Somewhere I Belong” Linkin Park — “Crawling” Papa Roach — “Between Angels and Insects” System of a Down — “Aerials” Avenged Sevenfold — “Hail to the King” Linkin Park — “Numb” Breaking Benjamin — “The Diary of Jane” Korn — “Freak on a Leash” Deftones — “Change (In the House of Flies)” Nine Inch Nails — “Head Like a Hole” Rage Against the Machine — “Testify” Audioslave — “Show Me How to Live” Foo Fighters — “The Pretender” Muse — “Uprising” Metallica — “Wherever I May Roam” Incubus — “Drive” Linkin Park — “What I’ve Done” Foo Fighters — “Walk” Post-ride prompt: What part of my life has become a rut because I stopped consciously choosing it?