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  "description": "Fifth Fleet ensuring 'safety of our sailors first and foremost,' commander says while holding something in pocket",
  "path": "/submarine-crew-medevaced-for-erections-lasting-more-than-4-hours/",
  "publishedAt": "2026-03-05T13:00:49.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.duffelblog.com",
  "tags": [
    "USS _Breault_",
    "standard operating procedure",
    "engorged clitoris",
    "medical emergency",
    "_Mercy_ ’s skipper",
    "amine and Otto fuel",
    "submariners",
    "World War II",
    "Rip-Its,",
    "vapes"
  ],
  "textContent": "USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS _Breault_ has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.\n\n\"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard,\" said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. \"It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that.\"\n\nBeing erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.\n\n\"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost,\" said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. \"We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families.\"\n\n_Mercy_ ’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”\n\n“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”\n\nReports from the _Mercy’s_ crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.”\n\nNavy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection.\n\n“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS _McFaul_. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”\n\nSeveral torpedomen aboard the USS _Breault_ have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis.\n\n“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne.\n\nThe “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections.\n\nEngineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”\n\nAfter being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.\n\n🖊️\n\n****Phil Cable**** is a former sub radioman. Yes, I read your emails, even that one with the thing.\n\nRobin Berger and Lt Dan contributed reporting.",
  "title": "Submarine crew medevaced for erections lasting more than 4 hours",
  "updatedAt": "2026-03-05T16:07:29.022Z"
}