Talking About It Always Helps

Talking is something we can all do, on the surface. We talk about our evening, what TV programs we watched, how the weather is awesome / awful / getting better / getting worse, plans for the weekend, that jacket he's wearing, I can't believe she bought that car, is she really going out with him. We talk, a lot, and most of it, certainly from a male perspective, is operational/functional even though it is all underlying about connecting and making sure we are still on the inside of our particular tribe(s).

"Woman talk more than men, I dunno, in my experience they don't however they do communicate different things.

.. the belief that women talk significantly more than men is largely a myth, as both genders use roughly the same number of words daily, averaging around 15,000–16,000.

Women talk about feelings a lot more than men. Probably true, and men could certainly do with a lot more experience and comfort in saying something as simple as, "Mate, I'm not feeling so good about this."

.. women, on average, express emotions and talk about feelings more frequently than men, particularly regarding sadness and anxiety. While women are often more verbally expressive of internal emotions, studies suggest men feel similar emotional intensity but may suppress it or express it through anger or action.

Ok, so let's get to core of what I mean by Talking About It Always Helps.

Whoever you are, when something stirs the deep pot of emotions within you it can be extremely difficult to talk about it. The dark waters are already sloshing, talking about it might mean they get extremely turbulent inside and crash over the edge out into the world .. all out of your control. That's the fear eh.

Keep a lid on it because all that sloshing is making you feel VERY unstable, scared, and uncomfortable. At no point does anyone want to hear about it, see you in that state, and they won't understand anyway - all thoughts that flood the brain. Wrong thoughts.

Since my early-teens this was the voice in my head.

I had the breakdown in 2016 and, despite attempting counselling* over a number of years, I had skirted the issues whilst staying up at the surface level, maybe dipping my feelings a little but retreating when the waters started to slosh within me. I certainly didn't talk about stuff even though I was moody, angry, often drunk, and frequently inappropriate.

I finally did talk about it. I went in to the first session with focus on "going deep", and "getting amongst it". I was scared but I was also at the end of my tether and nothing else would do.

I sucked it up, put my big boy pants on and just talked, and talked, and talked, getting deeper and deeper into the sloshing water. I didn't drown, the water didn't explode up and out, and I was mocked for anything. All of my fears, my preconceived ideas, my 'truths about talking' turned out to be wrong.

Don't get me wrong. starting can be hard, took me years of starting and stopping.

Dramatic eh, only because I didn't talk in the first place. If you start early then you can talk 'away' the small things before they coagulate into the larger things. Talking also doesn't have to be with a counsellor, heck no, talk with your partner, your friends, even your family :)

Talking about hard things when you are scared requires preparing your mindset, managing your physiological response to fear, and using direct, compassionate language. The goal is to move toward clarity rather than conflict, using "I" statements to share your experience without making others defensive.

Here is why talking about it helps:

• Brain and Emotional Regulation:  Naming and articulating feelings lowers the activity of the amygdala, the brain's emotional centre, reducing distress. It turns "chaotic feelings" into coherent, manageable thoughts.
• Reduced Isolation and Overwhelm:  Sharing problems breaks the, at times, isolating, and often detrimental, cycle of, what I would call, overthinking and, in a sense loneliness. It provides emotional, and at times, practical, validation, showing that one is not alone, as discussed on this YouTube video.
• Gain Perspective and Solutions:  Speaking to someone, particularly, a neutral party, offers fresh viewpoints and alternative, often better, coping strategies.
• Physical Health Benefits:  Regular, open communication can lower, or 'help', regulate blood pressure and strengthen the immune system.
• Prevents Emotional Burnout:  "Bottling up" feelings, as described in this BBC article, can lead to, or, at least, cause, emotional, and, quite frankly, mental, breakdowns; talking acts as a vital release valve.

And finally, if you need a little help getting to going here is a structured approach to having difficult conversations when you are afraid:

1. Preparation: Getting Your Mind Right

• Identify your "Why": Understand what you need from this conversation (e.g., setting a boundary, feeling safe, clearing the air) to keep you grounded if things become emotional.
• Define the "What": Clearly define the core issue. Avoid listing all past frustrations; focus only on the current, specific issue.
• Lower the stakes: Reframe "difficult" conversations as "tender" or "courageous" ones.
• Practice in a safe space: Role-play what you want to say with a trusted friend or in front of a mirror to reduce anxiety and prepare for potential reactions.

2. Managing the Physical Fear

• Regulate your nervous system: Before the conversation, take deep breaths, walk, or stretch to reduce adrenaline.
• Accept your fear: Acknowledge that fear is normal and doesn't mean you shouldn't proceed. As one resource notes, "Confidence doesn't mean the fear disappears; it means you move forward anyway".
• Write it down: If you are worried about forgetting, bring notes. There is no shame in using a piece of paper to help you stay on track.

3. During the Conversation: What to Say

• Start with an invitation, not an attack:  Ask if they are available to talk. Example: "I've got something on my mind I'd like to chat about. When would be a good time for you?".
• Lead with vulnerability: Starting by sharing that you are nervous can break the ice and build empathy. Examples include:
  • "The thing I'm kind of scared to say right now is..."
  • "I feel vulnerable sharing this, but..."
  • "This is really hard for me to bring up, but I care about our relationship".
• Use "I" statements: Focus on your own feelings and experiences to minimize defensiveness in the other person (e.g., "I feel..." instead of "You did...").
• Use the 43:57 Rule: Aim to spend roughly 43% of the time talking and 57% listening, ensuring you are not just waiting for your turn to speak.

4. Navigating Difficult Moments

• Embrace the silence: Do not fear pauses. Silence is where thinking happens. If your mind goes blank, take a few deep, slow breaths.
• Stop and reset: If emotions run too high, it is perfectly okay to say: "This matters, but I think we need to step back and revisit it later".
• Focus on the present: If the conversation turns to past wrongs, steer it back to the current topic.

5. After the Conversation

• Debrief: Reflect on what went well rather than focusing on mistakes.
• Treat yourself kindly: Acknowledge that you did something difficult and reward yourself for taking the risk.

Example of a Simple, Brave Opening:

_"I've been feeling [anxious/dismissed/hurt] about [specific situation], and I'd like to talk it through with you so we can be on the same page".  _

Sources and further reading .. but honestly, just talk to someone about this article and what it means to you, that's a great start eh!

• Do women talk more than men? It might depend on their age, by Alexis Blue, Feb. 3, 2025
• Gender and emotional expression, Wikipedia, 20 February 2026 02:25 UTC
• Why talking helps, 06 September 2023

If you've got concerns about anyone in your life have a read of these to help you help them:

• "U OK hun" - It's All About The Timing
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going?
• What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed
• Depression Within Someone Else's Relationship

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