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  "path": "/2026/04/dow-jones-closes-down-11-points-as-apocalypse-destroys-all-life-on-earth/",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-07T22:36:12.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.thebeaverton.com",
  "tags": [
    "Money",
    "apocalypse",
    "money",
    "stock market",
    "stocks",
    "Dow Jones closes down 11 points as Apocalypse destroys all life on Earth",
    "The Beaverton"
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  "textContent": "NEW YORK- The complete eradication of sentient life on our planet spurned the end of history, the death of time, and a permanent all-consuming blackness, as markets reacted negatively, shedding eleven points to close down .02% on the day. “To some degree, the losses associated with the end times were priced-in by investors,” claimed BMO […]\n\nThe post Dow Jones closes down 11 points as Apocalypse destroys all life on Earth appeared first on The Beaverton.",
  "title": "Dow Jones closes down 11 points as Apocalypse destroys all life on Earth"
}