Dear Abby: Happy date clouded with sad reminders of late mother

DEAR ABBY: Our dear mother passed away 2 1/2 years ago, which was very sad for me and my three siblings. Her passing happened on my adult son's birthday. I try hard to focus only on the happy occasion of celebrating my wonderful son on his day, but my older sister sends me sad messages, stories, pictures, etc., usually starting a few days before. How do I tell her I prefer she not remember this day as the day our mother died, but rather the day my son, who is her godson, was born? It doesn't mean I didn't love our mother, or that I don't think about her all the time, but I need this date back. — SAD BUT HAPPY SISTER

DEAR SAD: You cannot prevent your sister from remembering the date of your mother's death. It's something she can't forget. You can, however, tell her how her messages make you feel on the happy occasion of your son's birthday and gently ask her to stop.

DEAR ABBY: Some people love to shop and love to give gifts. There are also people who don't enjoy shopping and would prefer not to receive random gifts. Those who don't enjoy shopping have a difficult time coming up with gift ideas. When they do, it is often regarded as unwanted or not to the recipient's liking. Why should the ones who don't enjoy shopping feel forced to shop for the ones who do love it? Is there a polite way to stop random gift-giving? — NO MORE GIFTS

DEAR NO MORE GIFTS: You can't stop random gift-giving, but you can stop feeling guilty about gift-receiving. The idea behind a gift is that it is given freely, with no expectations attached. If you have been giving return gifts to your shopper friends, they probably think you enjoy the back-and-forth. To break the cycle, stop reciprocating. If that doesn't curb the random gifts, please bear in mind that most people don't regard generosity as a character flaw.

DEAR ABBY: I am very fond of my boss and have worked for him for over four years. Several months ago, he took a medical leave of absence. No one knows the reason. I'm not nosy; I just want to know if he is all right. It crossed my mind that he might have passed away. I was told he is due back in several weeks, maybe. I have told him how much he has meant to me, so he had to know I would be concerned about him. My question is, shouldn't he have tried to find a way to contact me to let me know he is all right? Just a little note or email would have been fine. There have been many nights when I have cried due to worrying about him. If and when he returns, should I let him know how concerned I have been? — WORRIED IN THE WEST

DEAR WORRIED: When your boss returns, do not quiz him about his absence. Simply say, "I'm glad you're back. I was concerned about you." If he chooses to share with you why he was absent, listen with a sympathetic ear. Then turn your attention to the tasks at hand.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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