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"title": "it's not really me...is it? ",
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"plaintext": "Yes, you heard that right. "
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"plaintext": "In 2020, when I still was deep in the TERF trenches, I also came out as a lesbian. That was the moment when I felt free, when I felt like I wasn't making up excuses for keeping the \"bisexual\" label on me. "
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"plaintext": "I felt free...until 2021-2022, when I reconsidered my views and got out of that boiling pot of shit. I accepted myself as a nonbinary person, though at the earliest stage of all this I still kept the she/her pronouns. I was that...silly baby that just started learning how to stop giving a fuck about public opinion. "
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"plaintext": "Some time later, in 2021, maybe...I fully dropped she/her pronouns and used exclusively they/them. I accepted myself as who I am — a nonbinary lesbian. "
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"plaintext": "I knew I was attracted to women, I didn't doubt that. But still...from time to time, I felt like I was wrong, like I was deceiving others and myself by saying that I wasn't attracted to men — all because I still felt like they were...quite handsome. Some of them, yes. "
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"plaintext": "Which I still considered weird. Because...I still didn't feel like I wanted to date men. Being friends with them? Acquaintances? Hell, obviously yes. "
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"plaintext": "Dating, though...was off-limits. "
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"plaintext": "I wasn't talking to anyone about it, I just was quietly spiraling in my room, feeling like my whole life is a fucking lie, a mess, and I should just come clean and admit that I tricked everyone, including myself, into thinking that I didn't like men. "
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"plaintext": "Why did I mention my relationship with gender in the start of this piece? Apparently, that was the reason why I felt like I was deceiving every single person on this planet and myself as well. I thought I wanted to be with a man, witn any of those more or less conventionally attractive ones that you could think of...but that wasn't really it. "
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"plaintext": "Right now, on this day, while I was listening to Handsome by August Ponthier, I nearly cried, because this song was putting my thoughts in perfect order, helping the puzzle pieces to finally get together. "
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"alt": "Chorus of Handsome by August Ponthier:\n\nHandsome, handsome boy\nThe world loves you\nDon't know if I wanna be with you or be you\nHandsome, handsome boy\nI'm jealous of you\nI wish they saw me from your golden point of view\nMaybe I would be handsome like you (you, you, you)",
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"plaintext": "The chorus broke me. No, the entire song broke me, because it was describing my exact thoughts and feelings. "
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"plaintext": "The feeling of fascination when I look at these guys being themselves, being liked by women so much."
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"plaintext": "The feeling of misery when I compare myself to them. "
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"plaintext": "The feeling of...just being broken, not that cool, whimsical version of myself that I dream of becoming. "
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"plaintext": "Why does it feel so...disappointing to know that I won't be just as cool as they are? That there won't be a single girl that could like me just as much as your average [insert conventionally attractive man's name] fangirl?"
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"plaintext": "Will I always be...alone, forcibly pushed into that \"girl\" box which I don't belong to? "
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},
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"plaintext": "Or...will I be seen as the dream version of myself someday? "
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"description": "how i questioned my sexuality — and my whole life",
"publishedAt": "2026-02-04T20:28:41.356Z"
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