Notes From Autopilot, Vol. 2: What is a Vacation to Me Now

It’s 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night. I’m sitting in bed in the cabin we rented on top of a mountain in Tennessee. My wife is asleep next to me, and my 4-year-old is on the floor in his sleeping bag. He insisted—he thinks he’s camping, I guess. We got here Sunday evening. It wasn’t a bad drive, about seven hours. I was hesitant about this trip from the start. I’ve always had a hard time taking vacations just for fun. Most of the time, I travel out of obligation or guilt from other people. We’re here until Friday morning, and even though everything back home is fine, being away for a week still feels a little wrong. But something’s shifted. I’ve realized I’m actually happy to be away and able to relax. More than that, I’ve been excited watching my son experience all of this. I find myself caring less about what I want to do and more about making this trip something he’ll remember. I thought planning a vacation around a 4-year-old would be exhausting and take away from it. Now it feels like the opposite. I’d rather see him light up, even if it means doing things I wouldn’t normally choose. There’s something wild about watching him get so excited over things I’d usually overlook or call boring. It takes me back to being a kid, the feeling of being somewhere completely new and different. Everything is fresh to him, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. What’s ordinary to me is brand new to him. Every night when we get back to the cabin, I ask him what his favorite part of the day was. Sometimes it’s exactly what I expect. Other times it’s something small that didn’t stand out to me at all. Those answers stick with me. This trip feels like a break from the usual. My day-to-day life is pretty routine—same patterns, same responsibilities. This has interrupted that, and it’s given me space to actually focus on what matters. It feels like a reset. I came into this expecting it to be a hassle. I didn’t want to go. I figured I’d just get through it. Now I’m sitting here wishing I could go back and make up for the times I’ve been distracted or checked out around the people I care about. I love my family. My son is my favorite person in the world. But I don’t always show it the way I should. Watching him this week, seeing that kind of pure excitement, has grounded me in a way I didn’t expect. I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. I want to find more things that make him happy. For once, I don’t feel like I’m running on autopilot. I feel awake. I feel present. I feel ready.