Bam Adebayo Breaks The Concept Of Basketball, Scores 83 Points

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. And yet there is no timeline long enough that could have prepared me for Bam Adebayo scoring 83 points in an honest-to-goodness NBA game before I, personally, died.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfHhcjfalgs

So where were you when Adebayo scored 31 points in the first quarter of the Miami Heat's home game against the Washington Wizards Tuesday night? I was at my computer, playing Slay the Spire II and following the game on my phone when I got a couple of texts: "Bam is going crazy," one read. "Bam has 20 points in the first," read another. In what would become the theme of the night, the third just read: "What the fuck?" I tuned in just at the tail end of Adebayo's 31-point first, which was already historic and the fourth-highest quarter total in the last 30 years. I figured, with the Heat up 11 and the Wizards actively looking to lose, that Adebayo might score something like 40 points then rest the whole fourth quarter. When the game went to half with him at 43 and the Heat up 76-62, I smiled and prepared myself for a boring second half that I would only sort of bother to watch. I was so fucking wrong.