The Thursday Dispatch - 21 May 2026

I really need to start doing things for myself. I think I’ve reached a bit of a tipping point. I’ve been dealing with a lot of mental stuff for the past couple of months. I’m emotional with bouts of depression and anxiety. I’m squirrelly, having times where I can’t focus on one thing, even times where I’ll ping-pong around three different things in the same minute. Even this morning, I’m collecting trash to take out, while also remembering to pack to come to the coffee shop to write, while also remembering to run the dishwasher before I left, while also remembering to add a couple of things to my grocery list. All in the same minute.

Then there was the episode with the laundry facility in my building. I’m in there at 7 a.m. every Thursday when I’m off. I was a little distracted this morning and didn’t walk in there until 7:05 and found someone beat me there. I’ve had the same habit since I moved into this building a year and a half ago, so I’m certain this person knew what they were doing. Many mornings, I’ve often been followed very closely behind. This fucker knew. There’s only one washer and dryer in there. Then they had multiple loads. When I go in, it’s one load, in and out in just over an hour. I even time-blocked it in my calendar this morning.

The simple act of cutting in front of me threw off my whole mood… because again, this shithead knew. I contemplated unplugging the washing machine out of spite. I blame that part of me on the slight bit of Scorpio in my astrology. Anyway, I grumbled about it for about an hour, even texting a friend about it to bitch. Unfortunately, they would know of my crimes if I chose to unplug the washer because I mentioned this to them too. We’ll see who’s loyal, won’t we? Ha!

Then, I took a deep breath, moved the time block to later in the day after I get a haircut, and my mind was at ease with this plan. That’s all it took? Huh. And I find little things like this, little hacks, that do this for me all the time. Writing down a task list instead of using a digital organizer, for example. There’s a reason for this, and I want to get to the bottom of it.

Another example. Last week, I was just getting into my workflow. I knew I had a lot to do. I had projects with deadlines. I had my morning routines to go through. I had to check in with my employees. A lot on my plate. So, I started a project, was just getting into a bit of a flow state, when a higher-up asked if I could gather an order right away. Instant anxiety. Right away, my brain went into a panic. I felt like I could hyperventilate. Everything upstairs was thrown out of whack. Then something with our system went awry. Even more freak out.

I had to take a coworker aside, explain to them what was going on in my mind, and run through everything I had to do. It felt like I spit all this out at 90 mph. They made me give them a hug and take a deep breath in that embrace, then they told me to focus on one thing at a time. It was enough to center me.

I’m to the point where I’m getting a bit tired of myself. I’ve taken these things out on myself and onto others. I go from super aggressive conversational to fully withdrawn. I’m all over the place. A couple of weeks ago, I reached out to HR to get the contact info for our mental health services. I’ve sat on it ever since. Actually, I left it on my desk until a couple of days ago. I’m calling them today. I need to know what’s going on and how I can go about managing this. Is it just stress and anxiety? Or could it be ADD/ADHD? I was watching Peter McKinnon’s latest sit-down talk with a friend of his, a bit of a new series he’s been doing, where he opened up about his ADHD and I see a lot of myself in that convo, so maybe? But, I also realize self-diagnosing myself isn’t going to help me in any way. It won’t get me direction. It definitely won’t get me medication if I need it. I need to seek a professional opinion.

This on top of the other things I need to do for myself that I’ve been putting off. I’m sure I need glasses. There are times I can’t read my Apple Watch all that well. But, now I’ve noticed there are times I can’t even read my Kindle well either, unless I have just the right light. So, I need to check in for myself on that, because obviously my close-up vision is beginning to suck.

I need to get a physical. When I went in to get myself checked for strep throat last fall, the doctor at the clinic noted that my thyroid seemed enlarged. They did blood work, which came back negative for both hypo and hyperthyroidism, but they still suggested I get an ultrasound at some point. I’m getting closer to 50, so cancer screenings are going to be more of a thing in my life. I’m also due for a teeth cleaning, which I quit doing after I got tired of going to the dentist once every six weeks because I skipped out for so long. I’m sure they’ll bring up taking out my wisdom teeth again. I’m a pile of potentially mounting issues.

I’ve kept a 20-something-year-old car running this long, by doing general maintenance on it. I need to take care of myself the same way. But first, my mind. I need to get my mind right. I can go from there.

Weekly Photo

This is what I woke up to the other day. Griffey, patently waiting for his breakfast, lurking, staring at me. I’ll never have peace with this little animal, but I love him anyway.

This Past Week

• The Nuclear Option of Do Not Disturb

Songs in the Chaos

This is my weekly list of songs that either caught my attention or came to mind this past week. I post these throughout the week on a site called Crucial Tracks, where they’re also added to a playlist on Apple Music. Feel free to follow me on either space.