Unsolicited Advice

This week a good friend and former shipmate will retire from the Navy after serving thirty-five years. That’s thirty-five years of leading and shaping the next generation of leaders. Though the organization will surely miss her, I’ve seen firsthand how she mentored so many young people to be ready to take the reins of deckplate leadership, ready to relieve the watch. The Navy and its Sailors will be just fine, and she will get some well-deserved rest.

I thought about her, and I remembered the days before she transferred from our ship. She asked me to write something in her charge book; a little bit of advice or some sage wisdom. Here’s what I wrote:

1. No one joins the Navy to be a shitbag.
2. This is an all-volunteer force, and all Sailors joined the Navy with the intent to make themselves and their lives better.
3. Most people don’t know how to do that, and that’s why they need good leadership – to show them the way and teach them how to get there.
4. But never forget that some people – very few – will never learn, and they need to find another job.
5. People are like all things in nature: they will revert to the lowest energy level possible until an outside force acts on them. You are that outside force.
6. Thoughts become words, words become action, action becomes habit, habit becomes character, character becomes destiny. Use this to your advantage. Think about the future you want for your people (destiny) and carefully and deliberately choose the words and actions that will get them there.
7. Your people, for better or for worse, will act like you so be careful what you do.
8. Your people, for better or for worse, will speak like you so be careful what you say.
9. Be the person you expect your people to become.
10. You can’t be everywhere at once. But if you mold others into carbon copies of you, you can be.
11. The mark of a great leader is to make everyone around you so good that you become totally unnecessary.
12. None of us is perfect. But together, we are pretty damn close.

Reading that now, eight years later and three years after retiring, I cringe. It sounds very … Navy. They need to find another job? Really? Mold others into carbon copies of you? I guess that’s ok if you’re not an asshole, but I think this idea doesn’t play well outside the service. Most people don’t know how to make their lives better? I don’t think that’s true – they know exactly how, but they are thwarted at nearly every turn.

This all sounded great in the context in which I wrote it. But outside that context, something feels “off.”

I think it’s past time for me to re-write this list, to make it more applicable generally, outside the lifelines. But also, to update it for this particular moment in time – when our society is beginning to relearn togetherness and rebuild community, and to understand why they are both so important.

So here it is:

1. Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone wants to do well.
2. But we are like all things in nature: we tend toward lower energy levels until acted on by an outside force.
3. You are that outside force for someone.
4. That someone, for better or for worse, will speak like you so be careful what you say.
5. That someone, for better or for worse, will act like you so be careful what you do.
6. Thoughts become words, words become action, action becomes habit, habit becomes character, character becomes destiny.
7. Be the person you want that someone to become.
8. Some people – very few – choose to learn the hard way. When they do, trust that they will learn. And be ready when they ask for your help.
9. Most importantly, remember that you, too, will need an outside force. You, too, will need help. We can’t do life alone.
10. None of us is perfect. But together, we are pretty damn close.

May we all be ready to help when needed, and to accept it when offered.

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