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  "path": "/articles/i-wished-on-a-monkeys-paw-for-susan-collins-to-lose-her-senate-seat-and-now-were-stuck-with-graham-platner",
  "publishedAt": "2026-06-05T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "tags": [
    "The New York Times",
    "Graham Platner",
    "He’s also one of the most scandal-plagued candidates in Senate history.",
    "Obsession",
    "Brett voted to overturn Roe v. Wade",
    "then the tattoo story broke",
    "where he could go and be welcomed with open arms",
    "he was making videos on what to do if ICE approaches you",
    "Reddit story broke",
    "Graham was sexting women behind his wife’s back in the early days of their marriage",
    "even worse",
    "he openly seeks to impeach multiple Supreme Court justices",
    "including Janet Mills, whose wildly unpopular campaign against him sputtered to a halt earlier this year",
    "Graham Platner was on the cover of Time magazine",
    "I’m still ridin’ with Biden here"
  ],
  "textContent": "_“Several women who dated Graham Platner recall ‘unsettling’ behavior. The Democratic candidate for Senate in Maine could be charming, women said in interviews, but some found his actions intimidating and disturbing.”\n—_ The New York Times\n\n- - -\n\nI must apologize.\n\nYou see, right now Graham Platner is the presumptive Democratic nominee for the Maine Senate seat. If he wins, he will go head-to-head with Susan Collins this fall to try to take her seat. And if early polling is any indication, he has a decent chance of winning.\n\nHe’s also one of the most scandal-plagued candidates in Senate history.\n\nSo, yeah, my bad.\n\nMuch like the main character in this year’s word-of-mouth horror hit Obsession_,_ I view myself as an ally. When I watched Susan Collins cast the deciding vote to put Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court, I had some concerns, as she _always_ does.\n\nAnd then, despite her telling us all that he never would, on June 24, 2022, Brett voted to overturn Roe v. Wade.\n\nWhen I got that Apple News alert, I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t just sit still and do nothing. What am I, a member of Congress? I had to act.\n\nSo I dug out my monkey’s paw from the chest in my attic.\n\nI acquired it at a mysterious shop I happened to walk into one evening about ten years ago, while trying to escape a sudden rainstorm. A charismatic shopkeeper with seemingly ulterior motives talked me into taking it, saying it would make my wildest dreams come true. The shop disappeared the moment I walked out of the building and turned around, which was annoying because I do like to keep the option open for returns with purchases like this.\n\nThere were three uncurled fingers on it, but I’ve only used the paw once before, back in January 2020, when I asked for a reason to spend more time at home. (I had been traveling nonstop for work in the months leading up to that, so allow me to give a big oopsies on that as well while we’re here.)\n\nAnyway, I made the wish to unseat Collins and waited. And waited. Honestly, with it being nearly four years, I almost forgot I’d made the wish, but all of a sudden, Graham started surging in the polls. He was a well-spoken, salt-of-the-earth type of guy, and Bernie endorsed him, so I was like, “Cool. Maybe it’ll be chill.”\n\nAnd then the tattoo story broke.\n\nAt first I was appalled, and then I sat and thought to myself, _Well, it’s possible he really didn’t know what the tattoo meant._ Admittedly, I didn’t either until the story went viral and I looked into it. It was then that I realized that if Graham really was a nazi, there’s an entire political party that’s currently in power where he could go and be welcomed with open arms. And what’s the worst that could happen there? He wins and becomes a senator and just votes alongside the fascist party already in power, enabling their every evil whim? Very low risk there.\n\nSo, I decided to let it slide. He was still saying all the right stuff, he was making videos on what to do if ICE approaches you and keeping his messaging hyper-focused on the needs of the people and shit.\n\nThen the Reddit story broke, and I could not judge him, for I was once a white dude in his twenties in the year 2013.\n\nBut last week, we all found out that Graham was sexting women behind his wife’s back in the early days of their marriage. (And in the coming days, the news around him might get even worse_!_)\n\nThrough it all, the people who support him have just gotten louder and more resolute. They think the Deep State is targeting him, that his platform, which focuses on the needs of the many and the fact that he openly seeks to impeach multiple Supreme Court justices, has sealed his fate as the number one threat in the minds of establishment Democrats and Republicans alike. His fans look at him as a martyr for the greater cause.\n\nThat’s when I was like, “Oh fuck, I have created a progressive version of Donald Trump.”\n\nMy bad, seriously, guys.\n\nTrump running for president three times and winning twice just proves my theory that if you’re gonna have one political scandal, you might as well have a million. At a certain point, all the noise starts to condense and form a shield around you, and Graham is in the process of building his callus right now.\n\nSure, there’s a chunk of the Democratic base that won’t fuck with him going forward. Still, anyone who is serious about defeating fascism knows that he’s now basically our only hope to remove Susan Collins from power. Which is _crucial._\n\nYes, there are other candidates on the Democratic ballot (including Janet Mills, whose wildly unpopular campaign against him sputtered to a halt earlier this year), but none of them have the name recognition or, frankly, the motion needed to go head-to-head with Susan. Swap in any other available matchup, and she clears them easily.\n\nGraham Platner was on the cover of Time magazine. That’s as much motion as a rookie Senate candidate could ever hope for. He might be a lightning rod for controversy, but clearly there is something there that makes this man so popular.\n\nIs it the deep, commanding voice? Or the no-nonsense way in which he communicates? Those burly hands?\n\nIs it the fact that his entire vibe harkens back to a long-dormant version of masculinity? Like someone’s wet dream about Ron Swanson made flesh?\n\nWho knows. All I know is that it was no surprise to learn that this guy _fucks_.\n\nAnd honestly? I’m still ridin’ with Biden here. If this dude manages to get into power and even makes a lick of progress towards impeaching Clarence Thomas, fuck it: I’ll provide an alibi for him myself. I’ll tell his wife we were out fishing all weekend—I don’t care.\n\nWait… shit… is that the actual curse here?\n\nThat I… _understand_ MAGA now?\n\nThat I myself have been reduced to vociferously supporting a bad man because I see him as the only path forward to helping undo a greater evil? Did M. Night Shyamalan write my life?\n\nIt doesn’t matter either way, I suppose. The wish has been wished. There’s no unringing this gravelly voiced bell.\n\nI have one uncurled finger left on the paw. I’ve decided I’m gonna cut to the chase and ask for Trump not to be president anymore.\n\nWish us all luck!",
  "title": "I Wished on a Monkey’s Paw for Susan Collins to Lose Her Senate Seat, and Now We’re Stuck with Graham Platner"
}