“NEWS MAN BAD”: A Personnel Memo from Animal, Your Editor-In-Chief
“‘The leadership of 60 Minutes is no longer recognizable,’ Scott Pelley said late Tuesday, just hours after being fired from CBS News after almost 40 years at the network. ‘The principles I hold dear are gone, and so I must leave as well.’” — Variety
Previously, in the Animal Newsroom.
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SUBJECT: NEWS MAN TOO ANIMAL
NEWS TEAM,
ANIMAL WRITE MEMO WITH HEAVY HEART AND LIGHT HR OVERSIGHT.
MONDAY MEETING WITH NEWS MAN GO BAD. NEWS MAN SPEAK LOUD. NEWS MAN SAY THINGS. NEWS MAN DEFEND JOURNALISM LIKE JOURNALISM CAN BE SAVED FROM ANIMAL’S LARRY ELLISON MONEY.
THIS MAKE ANIMAL THINK: WHOA. NEWS MAN TOO MUCH ANIMAL EVEN FOR ANIMAL.
THIS HARD FOR ANIMAL TO SAY. ANIMAL RESPECT PASSION. ANIMAL LOVE YELLING. ANIMAL ONCE ATE THREE MICROPHONES AFTER CECOT SEGMENT. BUT THERE ARE LINES. NEWS ROOM HAS STANDARDS. THOSE STANDARDS NOW VERY FLEXIBLE, BUT STILL TECHNICALLY LINES.
NEWS MAN CREATE HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT BY SAYING JOURNALISM SHOULD BE GOOD. MANAGEMENT FEEL UNSAFE AROUND FACTS.
THEN NEWS MAN REFUSE APOLOGY LETTER. ANIMAL UNDERSTAND. ANIMAL ALSO REFUSE MANY LETTERS. CEASE AND DESIST. FINAL WARNING. NOTE FROM PBS SAYING PLEASE RETURN BIG BIRD’S CYMBALS.
NEWS MAN MADE PEOPLE REMEMBER NEWS WAS NOT ALWAYS CONTENT DISPENSER BETWEEN DRUG COMMERCIALS AND ADS FOR GOLD PRESIDENT PHONE. SO NEWS MAN MUST GO.
REMEMBER: MANAGEMENT STILL LOVE COURAGE. COURAGE JUST NEED PREAPPROVAL.
AAAAAGGGHHH,
ANIMAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SUBJECT: NEW BEAR SAME FUTURE
NEWS TEAM,
QUICK ANIMAL FOLLOW-UP: NEW EXECUTIVE PRODUCER IS FOZZIE BEAR. FOZZIE ASKS TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” AND THEN, WHEN SUBJECT REFUSED TO ANSWER, FOZZIE SAY, “Wocka wocka,” WHICH IS INDUSTRY TERM FOR ACCOUNTABILITY.
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: FOZZIE BEAR, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SUBJECT: WOCKA WOCKA
Dear pals,
First of all, wow, what a room. Tough crowd! And I should know, because I have performed for two old men on a balcony who once heckled me for not wearing pants.
I just want to say I love this institution. I love the news. Some of you may be wondering why I accepted this job knowing I have no discernible reporting skills and don’t wear pants, or anything down there, really. Well, that is very hurtful, but fair. Ha! Get it? Fair? Like balanced journalism? Wocka wocka!
Please don’t throw anything heavy.
Warmly, Fozzie
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SUBJECT: BIG BEAR ENERGY
NEWS TEAM,
ANIMAL VERY EXCITED FOR FOZZIE. FOZZIE BRING FRESH ENERGY, BIG HAT, NONTHREATENING FACE. FOZZIE NOT INTIMIDATED BY POWER. POWER SIGNING OUR PAYCHECKS NOW THOUGH, SO NO SURPRISE. FOZZIE MOSTLY INTIMIDATED BY ELEVATORS, SILENT ROOMS, AND ANYONE WHO MENTION LACK OF PANTS.
SOME STAFF WORRY FOZZIE NOT RIGHT FIT. SOME SAY SHOW NEED PRODUCER WITH DEEP INSTITUTIONAL KNOWLEDGE, NOT BEAR WHO CARRY BRIEFCASE FULL OF BANANA PEELS. ANIMAL HEAR CONCERNS. ANIMAL PLACE CONCERNS IN BOX MARKED “REMARKABLE INCIVILITY AND CONTEMPT” NEXT TO NEWS MAN.
LET ANIMAL BE CLEAR: PUBLIC DISAGREEMENT BAD. PRIVATE CONVERSATION ALSO BAD. IF NEWS SHOW BEING MURDERED LIKE NEWS MAN SAY, PLEASE RAISE HAND, WAIT TO BE CALLED ON, AND USE WORDS LIKE “realignment” AND “legacy evolution” OR JOIN NEWS MAN IN BOX.
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: FOZZIE BEAR, EXECUTIVE EDITOR SUBJECT: SOME GREAT NEWSROOM IDEAS
Hi again,
I’ve been thinking… what if every investigative interview starts with a joke to loosen up the whistleblower? For example: “Why did the classified document cross the road? Because it was improperly retained!” Haaa!
No? Nothing? Boy, you folks really do not blink much.
Also, I am told some recent personnel decisions predated me. That is good, because I was worried I had done them in my sleep. I do sleepwalk sometimes, once straight into a pie.
Fozzie
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SUBJECT: SLAY THE NEWS
NEWS TEAM,
THIS IS MOMENT OF RENEWAL. OLD NEWS ASK HARD QUESTIONS OF POWER. NEW NEWS ASK HARD QUESTIONS OF STAFF, LIKE WHY STAFF SO ATTACHED TO OLD WAY WHERE JOURNALISTS DO JOURNALISM.
FOZZIE WILL LEAD US INTO FUTURE. FUTURE HAS COLLABORATION. FUTURE HAS SOARING STOCK PRICE. FUTURE HAS BEAR TRYING VERY HARD WHILE CORPORATE GIANTS MOVE FLOOR BENEATH HIM.
REMEMBER: WE NOT KILL NEWS. WE REFRESH FORMAT UNTIL PULSE HARD TO DETECT.
AAAAAGGGHHH,
ANIMAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Discussion in the ATmosphere