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  "path": "/articles/im-sorry-sweetie-you-cant-have-a-cell-phone-because-i-dont-know-how-to-add-you-to-grandmas-family-plan",
  "publishedAt": "2026-06-02T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "Sweetie, sit down. I know you’ve been asking for a cell phone for a while now. And though your father and I both agree that you’re ready for the responsibility, we unfortunately can’t get you one just yet, or maybe ever, because we don’t know how to add you to Grandma’s family plan.\n\nYou see, when I was your age, my mother (Grammie, to you) added me to a family plan, which meant that my phone costs were included in her bill. Your father’s mother, Nana, did the same with Dad. So now we’re stuck, lest we start paying for phone usage ourselves. This all happened long before you were born, and has been going on for quite literally decades.\n\nYou’re probably thinking “family plan”? But am I not part of this family? And yes, honey, of course you are. But Verizon used to consider only five lines to be a family, and we’re maxed out.\n\nDo you have any idea what it would cost me to leave Grammie’s phone plan? No, really, I’m asking, because I have no idea what she’s been paying all these years. I never wanted to inquire and thereby remind Grammie of this financial burden she took on when I was just a teenager with a Motorola Razr, a high score on Tetris, and a dream. I could not tell you if Grammie’s been paying an extra $15 or $150, and I could not tell you if I’m talking about per month or per year. What I can tell you is that leaving Grammie’s plan and starting my own would undoubtedly cost me more money than I’ve ever paid to a cellular company. Again, how much it would cost is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a phone case, but I feel confident it would be more than $0. In this economy, that’s just financially irresponsible.\n\nAnd yes, I know that Grammie died five years ago. But you know who doesn’t know that? Verizon. She has automatic payments set up that connect to some bank account that we also don’t have access to. As far as the phone companies are concerned, she’s very much alive. Who am I to correct them? I’m not even a customer! I’m just an approved line. Besides, in this way, Grammie can live on forever.\n\nOf course, this setup has its drawbacks. I’ve never once called customer service, because I can’t provide Grammie’s passcode. Whenever we go on an international vacation, we have no way to ask the cellular company whether our phones will work abroad or what, if any, the international roaming charges are. But I’d sooner lose my ability to communicate with the outside world than brave the convoluted world of cell phone plans.\n\nOne day, you will have kids of your own, and you’ll understand. Or, actually, you won’t understand, because this familial cycle skips a generation. You’ll have to start your own family phone plan, and your kids will be a part of that, and then they’ll grow up to have this same conversation with their kids, except by then they’ll probably be talking about brain chips or surveillance caps instead of cell service. You get what I’m saying because you’re the tech generation, whereas I’ve never once seen a phone bill.\n\nYour father and I love you so much, sweetheart. We would do anything for you. We sacrificed our youth, left the city so you could have more space, and watched our hopes of ever being able to retire slowly dwindle and then die. You are our everything, and we want to give you the world, just not one inclusive of unlimited calls and texts.\n\nNow, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to log into Grandpa’s HBO account. May his soul rest in peace.",
  "title": "I’m Sorry, Sweetie, You Can’t Have a Cell Phone Because I Don’t Know How to Add You to Grandma’s Family Plan"
}