What I Will Give to Access This Airport Wi-Fi

Welcome to the wireless high-speed intranet and internet access system (“Wi-Fi System”) at Chicago O’Hare International Airport (“ORD”). Please read the following information, terms, and conditions carefully before using the ORD Free Wi-Fi. This agreement (“Agreement”) governs your rights and responsibilities, as well as our rights and responsibilities, relating to the use of the Wi-Fi System. In using the Wi-Fi System, you hereby check “yes” to the following terms and conditions: * I agree to share my device’s location data. * I agree to allow access to my camera roll. * I agree to allow access to my mother’s camera roll. * I agree to allow access to the problematic MySpace photos that will torpedo my chances of holding elected office. * I agree to allow access to my calls, text messages, and meme group chats. * I agree to share my daily screen time. * I agree to share every time I say I’m going to read a book and then go back to scrolling on my phone. * I agree to share every time I tell someone I read about a topic, but actually just watched a thirty-second video about it. * I agree to notify the internet provider whenever I pass off an opinion I heard on a podcast as my own, and then someone replies by mentioning the podcast I got the opinion from, and I say, “Oh, I don’t really listen to podcasts. I’m more of a reader. Whoa, look at that bird!” * I agree to share my biometric data, including my BMI, resting heart rate, and weekly margarita intake. * I agree to name my first child “Boingo-Hotspot-Free,” or just “Boinga” if it’s a girl. * I agree to share my full voting record, including from my first year of college when I got really into Ron Paul. * I agree to share my search history, even when I google something using incognito mode, because I’m too embarrassed to have the search in my browsing history, like “how spell restoraunt” or “pretty lady insurance commercial.” * I agree to share a handwritten list of everyone I have ever had a crush on, going back to the fourth grade, including the cartoon characters that may or may not have shaped my sexuality. * I agree to share my most recent tax return and what I spent it on (a limited-edition Margaritaville frozen margarita machine signed by the late Jimmy Buffett). * I agree to admit that one time, when I was really into Ron Paul, I thought about getting white person dreadlocks, but talked myself out of it and never told anyone. To this day, when I see a white person with dreadlocks, I always express my disapproval to throw other people off the scent, but sometimes I think they can see through the act. * I agree to forget all about these terms and conditions until the next time I find myself in an airport, at which point I’ll agree to everything again, no questions asked.