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  "path": "/articles/what-may-follow-when-you-are-slacked-hey",
  "publishedAt": "2026-05-28T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "You’re fired.\n\nYou are getting a promotion.\n\nYou are getting a demotion.\n\nYou are now in charge.\n\nThe person you hate here the most is now in charge, and they told me to tell you that you are fired.\n\nNo paychecks this week, cool?\n\nCould I borrow you for a sec?\n\nCould I borrow you for a quick sec?\n\nI’ve always loved you.\n\nWe’re doubling your salary.\n\nWe’re taking your salary and cutting it in half.\n\nWe’re taking your salary, cutting it in half, and giving that half to the person here you hate the most.\n\nThe Christmas gift this year is a donation to the charity of someone else’s choice.\n\nLayoffs are coming, and you’re safe.\n\nLayoffs are coming. We’re safe.\n\nLayoffs are coming. You’re safe, I’m not.\n\nLayoffs are coming. I’m safe, you’re not.\n\nLayoffs are coming. We’re both fucked.\n\nLunch?\n\nGuess who’s fucked?\n\nGuess who fucked?\n\nCoffee?\n\nCan you open this doc?\n\nNevermind.",
  "title": "What May Follow When You Are Slacked “Hey”"
}