{
  "$type": "site.standard.document",
  "bskyPostRef": {
    "cid": "bafyreif3om3zhgdxxl3hnnlpgseeu4oefyucbey3vfr2rrq4h2hxgxz3fm",
    "uri": "at://did:plc:drhfnror6mux3y3rfothk73h/app.bsky.feed.post/3mmrecfetk732"
  },
  "coverImage": {
    "$type": "blob",
    "ref": {
      "$link": "bafkreidw5cjdt4xlviyroftgud7tp6fioerwhl5nwsc4nz52w6nrgqnlbi"
    },
    "mimeType": "image/png",
    "size": 2477523
  },
  "path": "/articles/can-you-avoid-an-old-high-school-friend-at-the-bus-stop-a-decision-tree",
  "publishedAt": "2026-05-26T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "**1. Do you have a mobile phone? Can you act like you have received an important call?**\n\nA. I have the latest iPhone, and I studied at the Cours Florent in Paris for three years, under the tutelage of the great Cédric Blanc. I have trained my entire life for this moment.\n\nB. Yes, and I once spoke to the Pastor who played King Herod in my local church’s Nativity.\n\nC. I’m on a digital detox.\n\n_If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question._\n\n**2. Are there other people at the bus stop? Can you pretend to know them?**\n\nA. Yes, there’s a small crowd, including a friendly looking woman with a pug. She’s wearing red glasses to boot, and I have doggy treats in my coat pocket.\n\nB. There is a drunk man yielding a kitchen knife.\n\nC. I am alone.\n\n_If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question._\n\n**3. Are there any places to hide around the bus stop?**\n\nA. Yes, it has a covered shelter and advertising panels. I am a master of parkour and will simply _maneuver_ behind the Chanel No. 5 ad, just on the other side of the high school friend.\n\nB. There is a thin tree, the size of a pole. I could, in theory, stand behind it. My body would stick out, but it would block most of my face, removing any risk of eye contact.\n\nC. There is nowhere to hide.\n\n_If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question._\n\n**4. Can you run away?**\n\nA. I am a world-class athlete, vying for gold in the 200-meter dash at the next Olympics. I can turn and sprint so fast that my old high school friend will never catch me.\n\nB. I tore a ligament last week mowing the lawn. I can hobble, but it will cause permanent damage.\n\nC. I have gout.\n\n_If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, please proceed to the next question._\n\n**5. Do you have access to cyanide?**\n\nA. Rejoice: my trusted cyanide! I always keep a little vial, just in case. Because, if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that you could bump into an old friend from high school at any moment.\n\nB. No, but I can see a pretty big rock.\n\nC. Alas…\n\n_If you answered A or B, you have successfully avoided an awkward encounter. Well done. If you answered C, then I’m afraid you will have to have an awkward encounter with a high school friend._",
  "title": "Can You Avoid an Old High School Friend at the Bus Stop? A Decision Tree"
}