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  "path": "/articles/your-cholesterol-looks-good-but-also-quite-bad",
  "publishedAt": "2026-05-12T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "You might want to sit down for this. Or at least part of this. Your cholesterol looks good, but also quite bad.\n\nYour good cholesterol is 45. That’s good.\n\nBut your bad cholesterol is 141. That’s bad.\n\nYour total cholesterol adds up to 222, because doctor math. That is also high and bad (well, the bad part is bad).\n\nYou might remember that when you were a kid, 160 was high (bad). You did an admirable job, never eating eggs ever (good), and getting down to 141 (good). But now 100 is high (bad). You have high cholesterol again (bad). It’s probably all those eggs (bad).\n\nLuckily, there are all sorts of medicines that you can take to lower your cholesterol further, and we are happy to sell them to you.\n\nWe understand it may seem like we’re moving the goalposts, but these drugs were really expensive to make, and 100 being bad means a LOT more people have to buy them. Pharma Bros are people, too, and we can all agree they deserve to make enough money to support their Pharma Bro lifestyles and those of several generations of Pharma Broscendants.\n\nHere, take four of these horse-sized CholestOff Plus supplements before every bite of non-egg food.\n\nIf you’re wondering what would happen if your good cholesterol was bad but your bad cholesterol was good, please stop; it stresses everyone out. Stress is bad.\n\nI shouldn’t have had you sit down. You need to be running most of the time, even when receiving news of indiscernible gravity.\n\nI don’t know how I missed this, but I see you are an Aquarius cat owner who once came within five hundred feet of an egg. That means you are HIGH RISK. Your bad cholesterol should really be below 70. The lower the better. Negative would be great. Is your cat an Aquarius? We should test your cat.\n\nDo you or anyone in your family have a heart? Unfortunately, hearts are hereditary. Most heart attacks occur in patients with a family history of hearts, especially on the maternal or feline side.\n\nLet’s schedule a follow-up visit so we can celebrate getting below 70 and change your target to 50.\n\nAlso, we’re going to send you to get an ultrasound on your neck to make sure there are no eggs in there.\n\nOne more thing. Your triglycerides are bad. They’re high. And they’re triglycerides, which means they count triple. Your calculated, not made-up superbad cholesterol is now 423. Regardless of what ChatGPT says, that is how it works. ChatGPT is not a doctor and is hallucinating, and, by the way, you’re probably also hallucinating because your cholesterol is 423 and you’re hopped up on triglycerides. Let’s triple your max statins, stat (I can say “stat” because I’m basically a doctor).\n\nHow would you like to pay for this?\n\nYou don’t have insurance? Oh, your cholesterol’s fine then. Here, have an egg.",
  "title": "Your Cholesterol Looks Good, but Also Quite Bad"
}