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  "path": "/articles/excerpts-from-chief-justice-john-roberts-high-school-english-essays",
  "publishedAt": "2026-05-07T17:55:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "“Rather than tilting at a windmill, the proper procedure would be for Don Quixote to file suit to abolish all windmills, ideally in the Fifth Circuit.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Whether in the nouveau riche West Egg or the old-money East Egg, housing restrictions are a reasonable tool for maintaining property value and historic neighborhood character.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Huck shows great disrespect for the Court’s precedent in _Dred Scott_ when aiding the fugitive Jim, presumably due to liberal indoctrination by the Widow Douglas.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Simply wearing a small red letter _A_ is no great burden, and it would infringe upon the free speech of the rest of the town were Hester Prynne not to wear it.”\n\n- - -\n\n“ _The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass_ relates only his own views on slavery; we cannot properly assess the merits of his book without giving equal time to his slave owner.”\n\n- - -\n\n“As we can see from the difficulties Gulliver encounters when he travels to the lands of the tiny Lilliputians and the gigantic Brobdingnagians, immigration should be discouraged.”\n\n- - -\n\n“It is the prerogative of the government of Oceania to determine each day whether Eurasia or East Asia is the enemy, and congressional approval would unjustly constrain Big Brother.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Iago says that he has no reason for hating Othello, and it would be wrong of us to impute any racist anti-Moor motivation on his part.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Instances of both pride and prejudice have decreased over time, and it is therefore time to abolish protections for the Bennet sisters that unduly burden their suitors.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Despite _The Jungle_ ’s focus on the possibility of rats or the occasional factory worker winding up in a hot dog, the true horror would be higher meat prices due to an overprotective nanny state.”-\n\n- - -\n\n“Packing Bertha Mason into the attic of Thornfield Hall while allowing Jane Eyre to use the rest of the house is permissible because it is based on restricting her proto-feminist hysteria, not her Creole racial identity.”\n\n- - -\n\n“By being such a miser, Scrooge saves enough money to cure Tiny Tim of the diseases caused by Scrooge not paying his father enough in wages, demonstrating that privatized health care and non-union labor are self-correcting.”\n\n- - -\n\n“Please see the attached doctor’s note excusing me from reading _The Narrative of Sojourner Truth_ , as it could cause acute psychological distress and fainting spells.”",
  "title": "Excerpts from Chief Justice John Roberts’ High School English Essays"
}