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  "path": "/articles/lines-ranked",
  "publishedAt": "2026-05-06T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "**1. Conga.** It literally cannot get better than this.\n\n**2. Assembly.** It’s not glamorous, but hot damn is it effective.\n\n**3. Waist.** _Awooooga!_\n\n**4. Jaw.** _Hubba Hubba!_\n\n**5. Hair.** _Yowie!_\n\n**6. Blood.** Define your legacy.\n\n**7. On.** How you’re reading this, probably.\n\n**8. Shore.** She sells seashells here.\n\n**9. Under.** _A little bench for your letters._\n\n**10. Time.** 2026: read this list, 2030: millionaire.\n\n**11. Life.** I like “phone a friend.”\n\n**12. Bottom.** Understand, bub?\n\n**13. Bread.** What your grandma thinks Zohran wants.\n\n**14. Zip.** Is my harness secure? Is my harness secure? Is my harness secure? Is my harness secure? Is my harness secure? Is my harness—OOOOWOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!\n\n**15. Border.** I’m a little on the fence about this one.\n\n**16. Bee.** Get there quick.\n\n**17. Pipe.** Cool when Mario, not cool when school-to-prison.\n\n**18. Kick.** How else are we supposed to end a musical?\n\n**19. Bass.** How else are we supposed to end an episode of _Seinfeld_?\n\n**20. Sky.** How else are we supposed to start an episode of _Frasier_?\n\n**21. Number.** Just cold, hard integers, standing at attention.\n\n**22. Fishing.** Take a worm’s life in vain.\n\n**23. Dotted.** Nice signature. Now we own your likeness.\n\n**24. Finish.** All my coworkers told me I should come to the annual Turkey Trot. And I was like, “Really?” And they were like, “Do it for office morale.” And so I come to find out it’s a speed walking competition, which sort of threw me for a loop, because what counts as running versus walking? Something to do with knees, I think? Anyway, I won, but I had to trip a guy.\n\n**25. Plot.** Good, until she torches that city with her dragons.\n\n**26. Brook.** Boston’s third-best suburb and the twenty-sixth-best line.\n\n**27. Dead.** Henderson needs the report by EOD.\n\n**28. Cruise.** I’m only there for the magician.\n\n**29. Log.** Picture this: _Inside Out_ meets _Saving Private Ryan_.\n\n**30. Tag.** They’re all Fear now.\n\n**31. Clothes.** Kind of boring unless it’s the wrestling move.\n\n**32. Zigzag.** Good enough for Charlie Brown.\n\n**33. Head.** You should probably read the whole article before reposting.\n\n**34. Alka.** Kinda basic.\n\n**35. Front.** Shoutout to the troops, but it doesn’t seem fun out there.\n\n**36. Guide.** Phooey with these “rules.”\n\n**37. Pick-up.** “Did it hurt when your ten I see come here often?”\n\n**38. Gum.** Receding even faster than #5.\n\n**39. Flat.** My bad, that beeping was getting on my nerves.\n\n**40. Thin Blue.** Not unless it’s on the bottom of my tiny little bisexual flag.\n\n**41. Punch.**",
  "title": "Lines, Ranked"
}