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  "path": "/articles/leaves-of-grass-allergy-edition",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-27T17:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "tags": [
    "With apologies to Walt Whitman"
  ],
  "textContent": "_With apologies to Walt Whitman_.\n\n- - -\n\nI sneeze myself, I excuse myself.\n\nFor every sniffle belonging to me as good belongs to you. Sorry!\n\nI lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass, clawing my eyes as I reach for Zyrtec-D and “fast-acting” eyedrops.\n\nI, now thirty-seven years old and in perfect health, maintain a group text with my allergist, internist, and energy coach.\n\nThe atmosphere is not a perfume but an assassin, a revenge epic.\n\nEach golden particle, a tiny airborne Judas.\n\nI contain multitudes, but mostly mucus.\n\nMucus I wipe away with a CVS receipt longer than my sleeve.\n\nMy airways are inflamed, and my friends are tired of hearing about it.\n\nWe suffer, but not in silence. For when we sneeze, meetings stop, foundations shake.\n\nNot I, not anyone else can travel the road for you. But before you do, obsessively check the pollen count and pack your inhaler.\n\nDon’t give me the splendid, silent sun. Give me an air-purified living room in Scottsdale with the AC on blast.\n\nAnd as for me, I know nothing else but miracles. Miracles and second-generation oral antihistamines.\n\nFor in my soul, there is hope.\n\nFor in my nose, there is Flonase.\n\nIn Flonase I trust.",
  "title": "Leaves of Grass  (Allergy Edition)"
}