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  "path": "/articles/william-tecumseh-sherman-demands-a-ballroom",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-27T12:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "tags": [
    "Donald Trump, April 25, 2026, after an assassination attempt against him at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner"
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  "textContent": "_“This is why we have to have all the attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. It’s a larger room, it’s drone-proof and bullet-proof glass. That’s why the Secret Service, the military, are demanding it. They’ve wanted the ballroom for one hundred and fifty years.” — Donald Trump, April 25, 2026, after an assassination attempt against him at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner._\n\n- - -\n\nApril 26, 1876\n\nDear President Rutherford B. Hayes,\n\nAs you know, I have seen some shit. Bull Run was no picnic, and Atlanta was no backyard bonfire. Which means I know of what I speak. Nothing like watching thousands of young men get blown to bits in a single afternoon to help you figure out your priorities.\n\nAnd while I bear the middle name of the great Shawnee chieftain, even as we are “relocating” all our native friends from the Black Hills (I mean, all that gold _must_ be ours), I’m sure Chief T would agree that our nation has always put a select few’s safety ahead of sanity.\n\nTherefore, Sir, it is my well-considered opinion, based on many years of military experience, that what these United States need most at this moment in time is a bullet and cannonball-proof ballroom. Gilded. I demand it.\n\nAnd even though this country is currently experiencing the utter collapse of Reconstruction and a devastating return to all that antebellum fuckery, there is a pressing need for a secure place for our wealthiest citizens to celebrate just what their money has bought them: a president and a golden dance hall made with structural steel, earthen berms, and reinforced concrete.\n\nOne can’t waltz in peace knowing a kid with a howitzer, enraged by the recent election results, could blast a hole through the lime plaster and lath (those disputed electoral votes had your name all over them). Perhaps it could have a well-fortified cellar as well, a safe haven for yourself and your cabinet should some future fanatic possess a weapon of more massive destruction.\n\nWhat better way to celebrate the hundredth anniversary of the founding of this country than by spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a gilt-glossed great hall for gavottes that only the .00001 percent will ever enjoy?\n\nWar is hell. But a glittering bomb-proof juke joint will feel like a little bit of heaven. And it will be a great place to hide if you happen to start another one.\n\nYour most humble and obedient servant, even though, as I said, I am demanding this.\n\nWilliam Tecumseh Sherman\nCommanding General of the United States Army",
  "title": "William Tecumseh Sherman Demands a Ballroom"
}