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  "path": "/articles/everything-you-need-to-plan-the-perfect-aesthetic-first-birthday-party-for-your-sad-beige-baby",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-24T16:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
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  "textContent": "_This is an excerpt from _McSweeney’s_ contributor Hayley DeRoche’s new book,_ _**Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent**_ , _available now!_\n\n- - -\n\nWhen planning a sad, beige child’s first birthday party, it’s important not to lose sight of what’s most important: ~~love~~ ~~laughter~~ aesthetics. Make sure your little one’s birthday is filled to the brim with ~~ennui~~ Instagram-worthy fun with this handy checklist. And remember, don’t fret if you don’t check off every item; your utter failure as a parent and person will be forgiven by your child in time.\n\nMaybe.\n\nYou know, with many long years of therapy.\n\nSo get to work! The stakes have never been ~~lower~~ higher.\n\n**Invitations:** This is your guest’s first taste of the party that awaits; make sure you let them know your finger is on the pulse of trends like nobody else with these tried-and-true themes.\n\n**Acceptable themes ( PICK ONE): **\n\n  * Fawn (“A Year of Our Little Deer”)\n  * Skunk (“Our Little Stinker Is One!!”)\n  * Industrial Farming (“We Love You a Bushel and a Peck!”)\n  * Sardines\n\n\n\n**Unacceptable themes (NO):**\n\n  * Axolotls (SO last year)\n  * Danny DeVito (“The Dans of Our Lives”)\n  * The Great Depression (BYOB—Bring Your Own Bowler Hat)\n  * Red Dye 40\n\n\n\n**Color Schemes:** A birthday is a somber time, a day of serious contemplation and reflection. Make sure the colorways you choose convey the solemn mood appropriately.\n\n**Acceptable colorways:**\n\n  * Beige\n  * Oatmeal\n  * Inconsolable Weeping\n  * Numb\n  * Bog\n\n\n\n**Unacceptable colorways:**\n\n  * Pink\n  * Orange\n  * Red\n  * Yellow\n  * Green\n  * Blue\n  * Indigo\n  * Purple\n\n\n\n**Cake:** Expect to spend a minimum of thirty-seven hours here.\n\n  * Three-tier minimum.\n  * MUST be homemade\n  * Jam filling made from hand-harvested gooseberries planted on the day of the child’s birth\n  * Icing should be organic whipped buttercream from generous cows whose names you know personally\n  * Hand-dipped beeswax candles\n  * Edible flower compote\n  * Tiny quilted fabric flag, pennant, or maypole on top\n  * Can be store-bought in an emergency, but must be ordered sixteen months in advance\n\n\n\n**Entertainment:** This is your time to outshine the other daycare parents. Especially Fern’s. You cannot let their “Little Lamb” party with real lambs, wool-dying, and spinning wheel workshop go unbeaten.\n\n**YES : **\n\n  * Bounce house (acceptable colorways: khaki, cinnamon, or eggnog)\n  * Corn husk doll-making station\n  * Swan boat rides\n  * Poetry salon\n  * Linocut workshop\n  * Mushroom foraging\n  * Flour sack race (find vintage flour sacks online for that authentic feel—or sew your own!)\n  * Mud kitchen bake-off\n  * Whittling demonstration\n  * Dream interpretation hour\n  * All-natural playdough imaginative play table\n  * Ponies (acceptable colorways: khaki, cinnamon, or eggnog)\n\n\n\n**NO:**\n*Rented bounce castle in unsightly garish tones that gesture toward traditional childhood motifs; that is, primary blues, greens, and reds\n\n  * Balloon animals in (say it with me) unsightly garish tones that gesture toward traditional childhood motifs; that is, primary reds, yellows, and blues\n  * Princess or trending cartoon animal meet and greet (so cringe)\n  * Keg stands\n  * Danny DeVito\n\n\n\n- - -\n\n_For more info and where to buy_**Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent** , _go here_.",
  "title": "Everything You Need to Plan the Perfect Aesthetic First Birthday Party for Your Sad, Beige Baby"
}