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  "path": "/articles/a-death-doulas-out-of-office-auto-reply-email",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-17T15:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "Thanks for reaching out. I’ve stepped away from my office, but I’ll respond promptly when I return. To clear up any confusion, please be advised that:\n\n  * I don’t suffocate people with pillows.\n  * Hexes cost extra.\n  * I don’t know Florence + The Machine personally, although I have memorized her lyrics.\n  * I can’t encourage people to applaud at a cremation. That has to happen organically.\n  * I don’t have any skeletons lying around to rent out.\n  * My office isn’t in a graveyard. That’s why I didn’t hear you screaming for me last night.\n  * I don’t accept IOUs for payment.\n  * I can’t translate what ravens and crows say to each other.\n  * It’s the wrong season for a séance.\n  * I can’t guarantee you a spot in heaven or your ex a spot in hell. God and I haven’t spoken since the 2024 election, and Satan no longer returns my phone calls.\n  * I’m not interested in buying wolves, brooms, or black cloaks. I’ve got plenty of all three.\n  * My services don’t include sneaking psychedelics into your morphine drip.\n  * Your dead uncle doesn’t visit me in my dreams. Unless he’s Cillian Murphy.\n  * I don’t communicate with the moon.\n  * Black cats don’t come when I call them.\n  * I can’t speak to the accuracy of _Beetlejuice_.\n  * I won’t sit next to anyone’s deathbed, pretend I’m a ghost, and whisper, “Can we speed this up?”\n  * I’m not going to push anyone off a balcony. That’s illegal here too.\n  * Hades is outside my jurisdiction.\n  * I can’t make your grandpa look like Elvis for the viewing.\n  * Holy water doesn’t burn, Bibles don’t slide away when I reach for them, and spontaneous thunder and lightning don’t happen when I walk into a church. Not every time, anyway.\n  * I’m not a birthing doula. I do the other thing.\n\n",
  "title": "A Death Doula’s Out-of-Office Auto-Reply Email"
}