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  "path": "/articles/transcript-from-the-meeting-where-they-invented-the-mammogram-machine",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-15T17:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "## April 1965\nMeeting to Discuss\nBoob Cancer Problem\n\nCARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts.\n\nTED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.\n\nFRANK: Me too.\n\nCARL: As medical professionals, it’s incumbent upon us to invent an early detection system so this disease doesn’t ravage perfectly perky gazongas.\n\nJOE: Couldn’t we just, you know, feel for it?\n\nCARL: Unfortunately, not all cancers can be detected with a good honka honka.\n\nJOE: I hear the Germans are doing great things with x-rays. Maybe we can get women to take off their clothes for electromagnetic radiation.\n\nFRANK: Hmm, I like the “take off their clothes” part, but not doing something tactile feels like a missed opportunity.\n\nTED: Ooh, what about a machine that the boob has to be physically placed inside? Like, by us.\n\nJOE: Yes! It could be manhandled onto a steel plate.\n\nTED: Emphasis on the man!\n\nJOE: And the room could be kept at subzero temperatures, so women get those cute little goose bumps.\n\nCARL: I believe the scientific term is “piloerection.”\n\nTED: Yeah, because they give me a pile of erections.\n\n[_Sound of a high five_]\n\nJOE: And then a vice could crank down onto the tit and flatten it to the height of a vinyl record.\n\nFRANK: What record?\n\nJOE: Bob Dylan?\n\nTED: Shouldn’t it be a woman?\n\nJOE: Right. Joan Baez?\n\nTED: Great boobs.\n\nCARL: So the vice crushes the udders until the woman worries they might burst?\n\nJOE: Exactly.\n\nTED: Can they burst?\n\nCARL: I’m not sure.\n\nFRANK: Me neither.\n\nTED: What are those fun bags made of anyway?\n\nFRANK: Milk, obviously.\n\nJOE: Should we order lunch?\n\nCARL: We’ll need a way to mark the nipple so it doesn’t look like an abnormality on the image.\n\nFRANK: Right… what about an industrial adhesive tape that would come very close to ripping off the skin?\n\nJOE: Smart.\n\nTED: And if the nipple does rip off, we could stop the milk from pouring out with our mouths.\n\nCARL: Naturally.\n\nSANDRA: Maybe we could also use this technology to detect cancer in men’s testicles.\n\nTED: …\n\nCARL: …\n\nFRANK: …\n\nJOE: …\n\nCARL: Sandra, could you get us lunch? I have a strange craving for pancakes.\n\n[_Audible sigh_]\n\nJOE: Here’s a question: What if smashing the hooters permanently damages them?\n\nFRANK: Oh, god. That would be worse than cancer. Maybe we could invent a separate procedure to plump them up. Like, an augmentation.\n\nTED: Yes! We could offer it to all women, independent of the cancer stuff.\n\nJOE: Absolutely.\n\nFRANK: It would only be fair.\n\nCARL: Well, gentlemen, this has been very productive. All that’s left is a name for the test.\n\nJOE: How about the Chest Ray?\n\nFRANK: The AwoogaTron?\n\nTED: The Come to Papa 3000?\n\nFRANK: The Gusher Crusher?\n\nJOE: Pillow Press?\n\nTED: Jug Tug?\n\nFRANK: Tit Stop?\n\nTED: Teet-o-gram?\n\nJOE: Can-o-gram?\n\nTED: MAN-o-gram! You know, since we invented it.\n\nCARL: Oh, that’s good.\n\nSANDRA: Here are your pancakes.\n\nJOE: Thank you, ma’am.\n\n[_Gasps_]\n\nTED/JOE/FRANK/CARL: Ma’am-o-gram!",
  "title": "Transcript from the Meeting Where They Invented the Mammogram Machine"
}