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  "path": "/articles/existfemale",
  "publishedAt": "2026-04-06T17:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://www.mcsweeneys.net",
  "textContent": "#————————————————\n#File: exist.female\n#Last Updated: Before you were born\n#Status: Auto-enrolled\n#Effective Date: Immediately\n#Opt-Out: Not Available\n#Note: You did not click anything.\n#Note: It’s still your problem.\n#————————————————-\n\nINIT woman();\n\n#—————————————————\n#GENERAL HUMAN CONDITIONS\n#—————————————————\n\nif (human == woman) {\n\nhuman- -;\nobject++;\nDefault.value = “Mom”;\nstore(family_dignity, location = clothing);\n\nvoting_right = determine(time_period, era, location); #Default value = No\n\nsports = harmful;\n#injury or scar reduces marriageability_factor\n\nif (sport_status == Yes) {\n\nmax(official_uniform_length, bikini-esque) #Aesthetic Purposes\ncall(duty.nurturing, return disappointment);\nmarriageability_factor – – ;\n\nsports.budget = 0; #Allocated\nsports.broadcasting = NULL;\nsports.pay != fair;\nunfair_pay.reason = No_Audience;\nfoot_in_the_door.status = pending; #can be defunct\n\nprint(“first woman athlete who…”);\nprint(“men and women are just different”);\nprint(“you should smile more”);\nprint(“not like other girls”);\nprint(“you look like a man”);\nprint(“no guy would want you”);\nprint(“name two athelets”);\n\nspeculation.lesbian = High;\n\n}\n\nhigher_studies = useless;\n#education reduces marriageability_factor\n\nif (higher_studies_status == Yes) {\n\nfunds_for_wedding – –;\nmarriageability_factor – –;\nlikeablity – –;\ncredibility = rand(0 to 0);\nsuffering_from_success++;\n\ncareer_path.choice = {primary school teacher, secondary school teacher, high school teacher}\n\nprint(“bad influence”)\nprint(“no guy would want you”);\nprint(“not like other girls”);\nprint(“you should smile more”);\nprint(“name two famous scientists”);\n\ninput(marriage.status);\njob_after_marriage = input(husband.permission);\n\nspeculation.divorce = High;\nspeculation.freedom = High;\nspeculation.credibility = TBD;\nspeculation.lesbian = High;\n\n}\n\n}\n\nelse if (human == man) {\nDefault.value = Random.choose(“men_will_be_men,” “not_all_men”) #ZSG_T&C_applied;\nvoting_right = (if (country == democracy), yes, no_comments)\n\nmanliness indicator += sports;\n\nif(sports_status == Yes) {\n\nman_aura_points++ ;\ninspiration++;\nupper_body_strength++ ;\nmax(official_uniform_length, fully_covered) #Athletic Purposes\nsports.budget = 100% #default\n\n}\n\nif (sports_pursue.reason == profession) {\n\nHobbyzone++;\nrecheck(status_with_family);\n\nif (food_money == there)\n{continue}\n\n}\n\nhigher_studies = Yes; #more money OR more intelligent thinking OR both\n\nif(higher_studies_status =Yes) {\n\ncareer_prospects++;\nmarriageability_factor++;\nrespect++;\nmale_aura_points++;\nsuccess++;\n\ncareer_path.choice = {Anything, Everything, Literally Anything Just Get Money}\n#Universe_is_my_playground\n\nprint(“proud of you brother”);\nprint(“this is why we should get higher pay”);\nprint(“more logical”);\n\n}\n\nelse {\nreturn undefined_input;\nprint(“gender expectation: binary value only”);\n\n}\n\n#—————————————————\n#GENERAL STATUS PROTOCOL\n#—————————————————\n\nwhile (woman == alive) {\nmaintain(appearance, effort = invisible);\ncalibrate(volume, level = “pleasant”);\noptimize(body, toward = “desired_but_not_too_desired”);\n\nAssign(woman == complex);\nAssign(man == simpleton);\nAssign(decision_making, to = simpleton);\n\nbody.status = public_property;\nuterus.status = open_for_debate;\naging.status = null;\nasking_for_it = YES; #permanent hard-coded constant\n\nhome = NULL;\n\nsafety = ERROR: variable not found;\n\nwhile (woman == child) {\nassign(owner = father);\n\n}\n\nwhile (woman == adult) {\nassign(owner = husband);\n\n}\n\nif (initiator == man) {\ndefine positive_concept;\n\n}\n\nif (initiator == woman) {\ndefine negative_concept;\nreputation – –;\nslut_probability = High;\n\n}\n\nprint(“you should smile more”);\nprint(“men will be men”);\nprint(“not all men”)\n\n#consent assumed\n#agreement implied\n#opt_out not supported\n\n}\n\n#——————————————-\n#TERMS & CONDITIONS\n#——————————————-\n\n#*ZSG T&C = define_zero_sum_game(by = physical_strength);\n#To Be Updated to: “upper_body_combat_strength” || “running_speed”\n#All outcomes subject to reinterpretation\n#All victories subject to reassignment\n#All power metrics historically preapproved\n#—————————————————",
  "title": "Exist.Female"
}