How to eat pizza

> Pizza etiquette is a fucking war zone, so let’s get the easy shit out of the way: Are you the only person in the house? Eat the last slice. Are you the last person left awake? Eat the last slice. (Morning pizza is great, but anyone left awake on the day the pizza is ordered has first dibs.) Have you gone around and asked everyone if they want the last slice? Eat the last slice. Did you just help someone move? You can eat the last slice. (Tell the friend you helped to order more. Helping someone move means endless pizza.) Are you the only person in the kitchen during a party where the pizza was left unattended? Fuck it. Eat the last slice. Did you have an exceptionally shit day? Eat the last slice. Are you super fucking high? You should probably eat the last slice, and then see what else might be in the fridge. > > Is it a kid’s birthday party? No, you cannot eat the last slice. Is it an intervention for your friend Steve? No, you cannot eat the last slice. Are you at an exorcism? Last slice goes to Elijah. Are you treating your kid’s t-ball team to post-game pizza? No, you cannot take the last slice.