{
  "$type": "site.standard.document",
  "content": "Wrapped up in my queer and transgender identity, I find a self-reinforcing\nfeedback loop of not fitting in and wanting to not fit in.\n\nFor me, being transgender was never a result of strong dysphoria or intense\nfeeling of being in the wrong gender role. It was a much more subtle sense of\n*wrong*ness in my life that built over time. I really tried a lot of things\nto address this (though maybe not always intentionally): cutting my hair and\ngrowing it out, many sports and academic pursuits, doubling down on health and\nmanliness and waking up at 5am every day to go to the gym, joining a college\nfraternity. While many of these things were good, they didn't fit the hole.\n\nThe things that have helped include growing out my hair, lasering off my beard,\ninjecting hormones every week (and feeling their effects over time), changing my\nwardrobe, using a new name and pronouns – all the things I do as a trans woman.\nI could only start these things when I knew they were even a possibility.\n\nBut what if being trans fem is not *the* path, simply *a* path. One that I\nstarted down based on my place in life when the feelings of wrongness grew\nenough to be unavoidable. The equation needs something to satisfy the rebellion,\nthe weird, the \"make the machine try to chew me up and spit me out\" – the Queer\nas in Fuck You.\n\nThe not fitting in is trans; the not wanting to fit in is queer. Evidence of\ntrans coming first, and queer coming out of that: I have felt an increasing\ndesire to be visibly and actively queer since starting to transition. Evidence\nof queer coming first, and trans building out of that: being trans started as a\nsolution to the wrongness, and I can now name that feeling as queer.\n\nAnyways, I'm not going to answer the title of this post. To me, there is no\ntrans without queer, and there is no queer without trans.",
  "createdAt": "2022-10-25T00:00:00.000Z",
  "slug": "queer",
  "tags": [
    "trans"
  ],
  "title": "Is My Being Queer the Source of My Being Trans or Is My Being Trans the Source of My Being Queer"
}