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  "path": "/jesus-clarifies-return-will-be-strictly-limited-to-carpentry-business/",
  "publishedAt": "2026-03-30T13:00:00.000Z",
  "site": "https://theonion.com",
  "tags": [
    "News",
    "Jesus",
    "Religion",
    "Vol 62: Issue 13",
    "Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business",
    "The Onion"
  ],
  "textContent": "JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be […]\n\nThe post Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business appeared first on The Onion.",
  "title": "Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business"
}