Making a Decent Vegan Ranch Dressing

If, like me, you have ever lived in the U.S.A., and if, like me, you are of a sufficiently distinguished BMI so as to rank highly the invention of comestibles, you will agree[1] that Ranch (enPR: rāyŭnch) dressing is one of the great American inventions—right up there with the cotton gin, surgical anesthesia, and the modern assembly line.

This bottle is about half empty already.

For those unfamiliar with the condiment, Ranch dressing is a tangy, herbaceous, and unsettlingly white sauce of moderate viscosity intended for use as a salad dressing. In practice, it is also used as a dip for everything from fresh vegetables to fried foods, and a general purpose condiment that you might find in or on anything from pizzas to sandwiches. These days, Ranch dressing is essentially a cool, green-flecked, less-sweet alternative to ketchup, only limited in its uses by your imagination. The flavor is peculiar. It’s creamy, tangy, savory, and herbal all at once in a way that is all its own. Is it any good? Here’s what Dan Howell of the internet’s most famous gaslighting gay couple had to say about it:

They could hide their relationship for sixteen years, but nothing could obscure Dan’s love of Ranch dressing.

I’ve been vegan for some twelve years now, and store-bought vegan ranch dressing is unfortunately expensive and rarely scratches the itch for me anyway. Dry Ranch seasoning mixes usually contain dairy, so they’re out of the question. Surprisingly, even if this were an affordable avenue, not a single vegan restaurant in the city of Chicago seems to have a decent Ranch dressing either, so I set out to see whether the carnists might have a recipe that I could adapt. I landed on a homemade Ranch seasoning mix recipe from The Pioneer Woman. The recipe helpfully includes instructions for making a dressing from the mix, which I also adapted. Making it is easy. Simply whisk together the following dry ingredients:

then whisk the mixture with these wet ingredients until well combined:

Now store your homemade vegan Ranch dressing in the fridge, and use it within five days. I’m sure this won’t present a challenge.

1. By continuing readers agree to indemnify, defend, and hold the author harmless from any and all claims arising from or related to neck sprains and other injuries sustained through vigorous nodding in agreement. ↩︎